Beatrice and Virgil

I'm going to talk about a book, but I guess more generally books in general. Analytically analyzing. haha... never mind.

I've always wanted to be a writer. Since, forever. I love to write. And I love books about writers. Beatrice and Virgil, by Yann Martel, is abut a writer. I mean, yes, it was also about the holocaust, among other things. But for me, it was mainly about a writer. As a writer myself, I love reading about writers.

I read some reviews of the book and it didn't seem to get very good feedback, as far as I dug. Which wasn't very far. I was just astounded by how non-appealing they thought the book was. They said it had no plot, no narrative magic like Life of Pi did. I've never read Life of Pi, but eventually I will. One review said, the whole novel was more of an "elaborate writing exercise".

Is that a bad thing? Really and seriously, what is a novel BESIDES an elaborate writing exercise? Review writers aren't writers, in the sense that a writer is a writer. You know what I'm saying?

I loved Beatrice and Virgil. I'm sure a lot of it went over my head, no doubt. But that's okay. If everyone who read a novel understood everything about it, I wouldn't be writing this. I think good books are books that someone can read and enjoy, and another can read and analyze. A book means something different to every reader who indulges.

I love words. I love them. They are my favourite thing.

If the only thing that makes a good book is narrative magic, then there would only be one type of book. I don't think Beatrice and Virgil was boring at all, sometimes you have to look beyond the simple action and think about why the action that is happening, is happening. Words are powerful, and Yann Martel's novel is powerful.

I felt the need to express my appreciation for it.

You should read it. And then when I write my first book, you should read that too.

Love x 2000 divided by the coefficient of lost love plus the sum of healing divided by reality.

I don't know what it feels like to have your heart broken. I know what it feels like to bite your tongue and regret it, but I've never had someone tell me they love me, then take it back another day.

I avoid that whole situation quite efficiently. But I think I've missed out on a lot. I truly believe that the only way any of us will ever learn, is if we completely throw ourselves into something. Loose your footing, forget your purpose, forget what used to matter, fall in love!

I focus so hard on letting myself feel just enough that if that person was to suddenly change their mind and pull away from me, the damage would be minimal. It's awful. I have to constantly watch myself.

I envy those who fall, really truly, with the snap of fingers. Those who are able to trust themselves enough to risk the pain love can bring. I mean, hi, I'm a hopeless hopeless romantic, love means everything to me. But I'm careful with it. Because I'm afraid of being hurt. Who isn't? But, why are we?

The generic allergy to broken hearts. I think most of us have it. Let's get rid of it. I know that love is special, so why are we so terrified?

Why is it so hard?

We shouldn't be afraid. I think that being hurt happens, and we have to deal. But don't dwell. Refusing to realize that broken hearts are all (this is me being optimistic) mended. You're never going to fall in love with the same person twice. So if you lose someone, don't look for them. If it's really and truly lost love, then it's gone. It doesn't mean it wasn't there, but it does mean it is no longer present. And once you lose love, you don't want that same love back, because all you're going to remember is how you lost it.

So once you lose love, find new love.

Know that love knows no boundaries, and can't be defined or bottled. Love is an energy that cannot be exhausted.

There is always love. Always.

I think that by restricting yourself to avoid being hurt is the stupidest thing you can do. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Nobody knows what love is. You can't google it, and your best friend or your mom can't tell you what it means. You are the only person who can define love for yourself. And each person you meet, and each person you love, is unique, you don't love anybody in the same way.

And if that's true, then we can't be afraid of getting hurt, because if we get hurt, it'll be different every time. Afraid of falling in love is like being afraid of eating breakfast. If you skip out on breakfast because you're scared, you're just going to eat more at lunch. Meaning... if you don't let yourself fall in love, because you're afraid of getting hurt, you're just going to end up hurting yourself more because you aren't letting yourself FEEL.

So, eat breakfast. And don't be scared of love because you're scared of getting hurt.

I can't tell you what falling in love means, and I can't tell you what being hurt feels like. You have to find out for yourself. You have to eat breakfast, or you will die.

hahaha just kidding that was a little extreme. But really, take some walls down and start to trust. Trust yourself, and trust the people you love. You will get hurt, but you will also fall in love. And I think the good in love outweighs everything bad that potentially comes with it.

So, life lesson today? LOVE! (eat breakfast)

Being Reasonable? Unreasonable to Me.

I just don't get it. Maybe it is just me. But I'm sure there are a couple more out there.

The relevance of straws to every day life? I don't know if there is any. Does it matter? Probably not.

Hey. It's November! :)

Life will happen whether you sleep through it, waste it, or take advantage of it. Life is life. Living is living, and until we're dead we're all living life.

And some people are reasonable about it.

But I'm not.

I can't STAND being reasonable.

Okay, do I sound crazy? Probably, well... I am. lol Reasonable. Why bother? Does EVERYTHING need an explanation? NO! No, it doesn't, I promise. And not everything needs to make sense. You don't always have to take your turn, if no one pushes, there would only ever be straight lines.

And with straight lines all you can draw are squares.... and triangles which makes me think of math.

But you could also draw a kite.... I like Kites. Maybe straight lines aren't so bad.

But imagine a world of ONLY straight lines? You couldn't jump on a trampoline, or smile, or write the letter S. Because it would look more like a digital clock five.

Back to the point. Questions are okay, but answers aren't always there. And even if the are, you don't need to know everything. You really don't need everything to have a logical explanation. Not everything in life is logical. Alright?

Okay?

Do you get what I'm getting at? Why did I choose this thumbnail for the start of my video? I don't know. Because I Wanted to? Reasonable people don't accept 'want' as a reason. Which is SOOOO stupid! Because, if you want something, you get it, or you do it, or whatever. Wanting is the simplest emotion to feel. How could you be more precise? Why isn't it reasonable to want?

So maybe I'm not unreasonable. I'm only unreasonable compared to that certain type of reasonable people.

What am I talking about? Where's the life lesson?

Hmm. As long as you feel reasonable to yourself, you're good to go. Don't try and be reasonable to those unreasonabley reasonable people. Ya hear? It just isn't worth it. Because, some people need too much explanation to ever understand the joke.

And it's just not funny anymore when you have to explain yourself.

Do Your Homework... Oh, and Don't Lie.

Happy Friday! :)

I don't like being lied to. I think lying (lieing?) is the worst thing ever. Don't lie. Okay? I read a book in English last week about humanity (haha yes, very deep) and whabam looky here at the quote I found:

"I hate, detest, and can't bear a lie, not because I am straighter than the rest of us, but simply because it appalls me. There is a taint of death, a flavour of mortality in lies- which is exactly what I hate and detest in the world- what I want to forget. It makes me miserable and sick, like biting something rotten would do." - Joseph Conrad

Overwhelmed? Everyone cried this week. EVERYONE! hahah okay... I can think of three off the top of my head. But really, there is a heck of a lot of overwhemlingness swirling around in everyone's head. Overwhelmingness is not welcome. Did you know you're not supposed to use "off of" beside each other because they are the same type of word or something like that... So I just typed "off of the top of my head" but I had to go back and backspace the of... Weird. Anyways. Overwhlemed. With emotion. You can't be overwhelmed with homework. Everything relates back to an emotion.

So, we have to control our emotions. Nah meeen? haha..... I'm easily overwhelmed. But I don't want to be. So I stop myself.

Not from the good overwhelmingness. We should all search for the good overwhelmingness. Do you like how I make up a word pretty much every time I write one of these? haha overwhelmingness.

But bad overwhelmingness. The sort of overwhelmingness that makes you sit and cry. None of us are going to get anywhere doing that. So don't let yourself brood. Stressed about your essay? Don't sit there and talk about how stressed you are. Just write your essay. Seriously. Write your essay. It's that simple.

Life lessons today: write your essay and don't lie.

Thinking, now stop. Now live.

Pretending opportunity, doing what's right, doing what you have to. Changing your mind, and fiddling with others. It's no fun, it's not easy, and it's hard to come back smiling.

Things in your life, will go right. Things in everyone's life will go wrong. But who decides what's right, and who gets to say what's wrong? Maybe my problem is I think that everything just happens. I don't know right from wrong anymore. Events are events, feelings are feelings. I think I'm becoming more and more of an observer every day. De-humanizing myself to the most extreme way possible, trying to get rid of all feeling, but instead just collecting mass emotion.

You feel swamped? You feel hollow. Robots feel it all.

I'm not a robot.

I know how to feel. Robots don't feel. Robots see. Robots see it all. And document it, and use it later.

I don't know if it's better to watch, and remember, or if it's better to experience, and forget? I know watching and forgetting is useless, but maybe experiencing and remembering is best. Best better bestest.

Who needs sense.

Decisions are hard, and change is hard. But decisions are necessary and change is un-avoidable. I still haven't forgotten that line I read a while ago some where talking about not feeling afraid of things that will take a long time to happen. Because the time will pass anyways. Because it's so so true. Don't use time as an excuse, you're being ridiculous.

I think, if we'd all do what makes us happy, and not always what we think is right and not always what we think is easy, then we could live so much better. You lose so much when you do things because you think you should. I don't really believe in obligation, not completely. Everything should be choice, because then every action is an active thought. The more actively we think, the more sense our actions will make. If we constantly cut our thinking off we're all going to explode into piles of ash.

Instead of getting lost, to avoid feeling like someone is holding a pillow over your head. Do something. Try something. Change something. Make a decision. Try?

I'll get back to you.

You Should, sometimes.

Why is it that just when you think you start to have a hold on things that other things start falling apart? Just when everything finally begins to make sense, you lose your mind. Why does it happen to me all the time?

Blah!

Happy summer guys! :) I hope the sun is treating you nice.

Do things drive you crazy? Are there some things you know you shouldn't do, but you do anyway? I don't mean illegal like smashing windows or stealing or anything. I mean... just a shouldn't, I can't tell you my example, because I shouldn't have done it. I shower in shouldn'ts. But maybe I don't believe in shouldn't anymore.

Why not?

That's my new thing maybe. I shouldn't do this, why not? well, I know why, and I bet you know why you shouldn't do YOUR shouldn'ts too. But why not? I read a caption on a picture (I know that's so lame haha but sometimes they are good) and it was something along the lines of "don't say sorry for what you feel, it's like saying sorry for being real"

and, I like that. I like it a lot. i think it's 18675883% true. Why SHOULD we be scared of shouldn'ts? hmm? i shouldn't say this.... I shouldn't have hit send on that.

I don't care if you shouldn't. If you don't go after what you want, and you hide behind what you should, you're never going to get as far as you can. Take a risk. Don't hide behind shouldn't. It is easy to say I shouldn't, it's a lot harder to say I did it.

And "I did it" is so much better than "Oh, well, I shouldn't"

You have to make yourself happy. You have to make other people happy too, that is important. I put other people before me all the time, and it's not bad, not all the time. Just don't forget about yourself, you matter just as much as all those guys you put before you. okay? Promise. You matter.

So. Life lesson today is get rid of the shouldn'ts. Not all of them. Some things you really just shouldn't do. And you and I both know that, I'm not always being painfully literal. You shouldn't tell your mom she has failed you as a parent if she won't drive you to your friends house, even if you feel like she has. I'm not talking about those kinds of shouldn'ts, I'm talking about the things you think about saying, and then get scared too.

the: "I've never been in love before" 's. and.... woah, I mean I guess you have no way of knowing what just happened. But I almost backspaced that. Because in my head I thought "Well, I shouldn't."

Don't go crazy. But don't let the shouldn'ts drive you nuts. Sometimes you should.

Don't say sorry for being real, because it's like saying sorry for being real.

And realness is what I think we should all be striving for. No robots, right? You know that.

Happy July 16th.

Don't think too far ahead, you'll ruin the present if you focus on the future. Shouldn'ts are all about consequence. But if you're terrified of consequence, you're scared of life. If you're scared of living? You've gotta..... do something about that.

So I guess the life lesson is, find out why you feel like you shouldn't. Know consequence, but don't be scared of it. Everything has consequences. But maybe think about it like every action has a reaction right? blah blah blah we've all heard that before. But really, consequences are reactions to actions. If you don't take action, there will be no reaction.

If there is no reaction? there's no life.

Everything is reacting to something. You can't stop it. No stopping consequence, no stopping feeling. Some things just are, even if they shouldn't be.

sleep tight everyone, I'm going upstairs.

To be continued

Hey. < have you ever noticed how periods make you seem pissed? (lol. ha.) I don't like them. lol

I'm not pissed. Have I talked about the word "hate" yet? Proably not, since it's been six years since I've actually said anything. We had this presentation at our school, a long time ago, and this woman came in to speak to us about... life? She is a holocaust survivor and she told us about her experiences and such. And she talked about hate.

I used to say hate all the time. ughhh guys I HATE when you do that, gross.... I HATE bugs. Really, I said hate, a lot.

After this presentation... I don't say hate anymore. (okay... I do, but it's usually followed by a "WAIT! I don't say hate anymore")

I can't really explain what this woman said. But, she cried, in front of an entire gym filled with stupid high school kids. And not a single stupid highschool kid was laughing, or making a stupid joke. Every single stupid highschool kid sitting in a stupid plastic chair was watching this woman, and every single one of us was FEELING. This woman, I'm terrible I don't remember her name, but this woman was explaing hate to us. I can't do what she did, but if you heard her talk about hate, you would feel the little squirmish feeling I get every time I say it. Everytime I say it I can see her, on stage, crying, and I can see the gym, and all the kids, and I can hear the quiet-ness that the gym had.

I want to make people feel like she did. Like... how she made the kids feel, I don't want people to go through what she did.

Do you ever feel like everything was better before? Bike's were way nicer, microphones were big and silver and wicked. And if we go way back.... us girls got to wear ridiculous dresses and carry little umbrellas around and guys had to wear cute little jackets? And it was a big deal if someone wanted to hold your hand? Does anyone else miss that? Maybe you can't technically miss anything you've never had, but, I do. I miss a lot of things I've never had.

I wish I could time travel.

hahahah on the literacy test this year one of the questions was asking us what out ideal career would be. And I wrote about being a time traveler, really, I did.

Stop it. Now Go. (old post)

There is a brick wall in between my brain and my fingers. I'm trying to get the message that's stuck up there down in this little box I'm typing in, but it's not working. I've tried over and over and over again.

Words are so hard.

I feel hollow today. (Emma I hope you notice I used that word again :P) Like someone snuck up on me last night with a big spoon and snacked on my indies. Cause there's nothing left today. Nothing is wrong, and I'm not sad, just hollow.

Hollow isn't a nice feeling, and there is no reason why you should have to feel it. Do you know the hollow feeling I'm talking about?

I promise that you're good enough, even if you're not. You don't have to be THE best to be YOUR best, and YOUR best IS the best, and the THE best doesn't exist.

Teekly Wip.

It's been about a month? Unacceptable. It's definitely NOT because I don't have anything to say. It could have something to do with how much I've been thinking though. Bad Steph, not enough spit! Too much swish and gurgle. Sigh.

Alrighty. So. Setting goals is good, mostly because achieving them is better. So... this is big. Make sure you're sitting down. I'm going to make sure I update this blog thing of mine weekly. HUGE GASP! I know. Terrifying, right? Wrong! I believe that by the end of every week I will have something to say. I'm setting a goal. When you set goals, things get done.

I like telling you guys (whoever you may be) the titles of the posts I don't publish... such as "Girls are dumb... and good friends are hard to understand" and "There isn't always a rule book, and not everything comes with instructions." I like the last one, I'll probably end up talking about it in this one....

Maybe I should just start actually talking? Instead of talking about talking? Okay.

Hmmm.... I don't know how long this one is going to be. I think too much. It sucks sometimes. Thinking is good, but sometimes I envy those who are oblivious. Not that I believe anyone is completely and totally oblivious... except... okay never mind.

I think that I will post this one. And then come back in ten seconds and do a real one. This is just an update. Oh, The teekly wip thing? That's stolen from Sunjay Nath, a super cool awesome speaker. You should check out his website ... http://www.sunjaynath.com/ and subscribe to his "teekly wip" and you should also go hear him speak if you can. He's really awesome. Totally inspiring. His whole mixing up the words and the final sentence of the story (for those of you who've heard him, you know what I'm talking about) it just gets to me. Shivers. Choose your life, and you lose chife! (Chife= mad sad bad)

Okay. Sunjay rocks. I'll be back in ten seconds to tell you how life has been, what I've learned the past month, and what still and might always confuse my socks off.

There isn't always a rule book, and not everything comes with instructions. (old post)

It's all been done before. Sure it has. But none of us have done everything. Just because someone did it, doesn't mean you have. Everything happens to everyone for a first time. And everything, and everyone, and every time is specific.

Nobody anywhere can tell you how you feel, or how you should do something. It's our individual job to figure out what works for us. Making rules are scary, and when we don't have instructions, it's easy to just sit on your hands and wait for them. But you can't be afraid. If you sit on your hands forever they'll fall off, and then you won't be able to eat corn on the cob, or button your shirt.

Don't tell yourself that something isn't special, or that the way you feel is just programmed into humanity. Everything is original.

Untitled

Everyday is new, and nothing can be defined. I'm in this weird sort of mind set right now. Sometimes when I think, I go all nutso... and have to hold onto something solid so I don't float away.

It happens to me a lot. When you try to tell yourself that something doesn't matter, and then you sort of wonder what does? If this doesn't matter, how come that other thing does? You could think like that for ever. Eventually nothing would matter. Nothing DOES matter, unless you make it matter.

I think the whole point of.... us... of.... it, of, the big picture, is taking things that, being general, don't mean anything, and making them mean something. You can robot your way through life. You can, I do sometimes. But it sucks. Don't let that happen. It's really awful.

If you are anything like me, EVERYTHING matters. But if everything matters, then nothing does. You see where I'm going? We can't have everything all the time, because then we wouldn't be able to want anything and when we got something it wouldn't matter because we'd already have it.

The most important thing is to be present, and to not enable. In order to be real, you have to feel. Things go wrong sometimes, and you have to face that. You have to be honest. If you think that everything is just going to go away and when tomorrow comes you won't have to think about yesterday because it already happened and its out of your control, you need wake up. To really wake up.

If you tell yourself that something doesn't matter, and you don't let yourself feel, if you don't let anything matter, then you're going to turn into metal. We're all going to become robots. Do something different. Don't depend on routine.

I know the feeling that I get when I know something is important to me. I want everyone, everywhere, to be able to feel like that. Okay, now I'm going to contradict myself. I've said everything and I've said nothing matters. This might get confusing.

I'm trying to say that by taking every opportunity and every project and every person and every feeling, and thinking about it, and making it individual, we'll all feel better. By taking a minute, or 15, just to think, and to realize something, would help everyone out. If you don't think, you won't feel. If you don't feel, you won't live. And if you're not living.... you're dead.

I don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of dead people. That's gross. That's terrible. Especially, when we all have the potential to be alive. I'm not talking about breathing, I mean. REALLY alive.

So its our job, it's my job, and its YOUR job, to make things matter. Everything DOES matter. But saying that doesn't make it true. You've gotta take the time to think about things to make them real. You can turn everything into something. Just don't make everything nothing. DON'T ROBOT. Be real.

Say something. DO something. No robots. Okay?

You don't HAVE to do anything. I'm telling you right now that nobody can make you do anything. (Unless they tie strings to you or actually physically force you) You have to WANT to do it. No obligations, everything is choice. Don't freak out, even if its scary. WE control us. Because we ARE us.

Rambleramblerambleramble. Sorry.

Let your brain be active. See what happens.

Drown, and choke. (old post)

just kidding. that one's for Emily. Yeah, she rocks so much she gets to keep her real name.

So. In life, in everyone's life, in my life, and your life, and his life and her life, we want things. We want to KNOW things and FEEL things and we WANT. We KNOW we WANT to FEEL. Instead of always worrying what will happen and fretting over what ifs and perhaps-es. (I know that's not a word) Instead of... gurgling until you explode. say something.

Not enough brain? No bread in your basket? You need six eggs? That's too expensive!

THERE MUST BE MORE TO THIS PROVINCIAAAAL LIFE! :D

Hey uber cool? lol... I know those were none of your lines. But. You rock! That show? Was crazy intense. You rock. uh... yourockyourockyourock. k? Got it? Okay. You rock.

If nothing seems concrete, go lie down on the sidewalk.

I don't get you. In two ways. I don't have you, and you don't make sense. Why can't I pretend I feel something other than what I do? Why can't I make up a word to explain to myself what it is that I do feel? Why should I have to convince myself that what I feel is real? Isn't that when you come in? Did you forget your line? Did you forget you had a part in this play?

When nothing seems concrete, go lie down on the sidewalk.

When something stupid starts to take over everything, and your usual everything turns into wasting time, real wasted time, lieing on the couch with your phone under your chin, w.a.s.t.i.n.g time, then SOMETHING IS WRONG. Or, maybe, something right is happening.

blahblahblahblahblah

It's time we all start treating people like people. Today, someone who means more than one world to me, told me something. When you trust someone, and they trust you back, and they tell you something, and the trusting bond is sealed... you feel, safe. You feel good. Trust is a very important thing, it's an important feeling, it is an important... everything. Without trust, without certainty, nothing is anything. And everything is nothing.

Trust happens. Trust is good.

It's scary to know yourself. It's scary to know that other people know you. Everyday I find out how someone is different than me. For someone who grew up being told that "everyone feels this way" I'm finding out that not everyone knows what I'm talking about. It's really interesting. I'm actually totally fascinated by people and the things people say and they way certain things make certain people feel certain ways.

As much as I try to, I don't want to say dumb myself down, because I am dumb, I am naive, still, but anyways... I try really hard to generalize myself sometimes. I try to wake up and brush my teeth and go to school and come home from dance and do my homework and go to bed and wake up and do it again. But I can't. I feel like I don't even exist.

Wake up, before you even check your phone to see how late you slept, and run outside. Right onto your front yard. I don't care if it's raining, or if your front yard is infested with pixies. Run out there. Bright an early. Sit down. And tell yourself three things you're going to do that day.

Don't go through the motions of life because you have to. Nothing should be an obligation, everything is choice. We have morals as people, and we make mistakes. But, we are capable. Of everything. We are able. We are real. We are not mechanical bodies. We are not programmed. We have the power to think! We have the power to make! To create! To learn!

Please! If you ever take any advice from me, let it be LIVE. Define it yourself. What makes you live? What keeps you alive? I'm here to help. But it's you. It's us and it's we and it's them and him and her and those guys.

Don't go through motions. Make motions. Make change, and don't waste. Define something.

secrets are hard, truths are even harder

editeditedit.SEND.JUST HIT THE DAMN BUTTON. << lol. original title. yeah,yeah. I've already told you to spit. Have you done it? Liked anyone's sweaters? I've started a lot of posts lately, with interesting titles such as... I AM NOT A NUMBER. and ... I swear to God I'm human. hahaa But I haven't done a lot of spitting. I haven't really done a lot of swallowing either though... just a heck of a lot of gurgling and swishing. Gross. Don't waste your time. I know that its hard to take something, that you think is very important, and realize it is just a waste of time. Not that time is ever really wasted. Or spent. Time and I (me and time?) have a very strange relationship. Sometimes he is kind, other times he oppresses me. Most of the time he just dangles in front of my eyes and giggles and the severe confusion he causes. Ps. Yeah, it's almost 2 am again. So... everything happens for a reason. I believe that. It's just when, you don't know that reason, and this thing that happened... or is happening... is taking over your life. You've gotta stop it. You can't let the bad take over. I mean, hey, if it's passion taking over your life? JUMP AROUND AND THROW YOUR ARMS BACK AND YELL. you can spin too if you feel the need. But, I think we've all been there. wallowy... broody... moody... erm.... angsty? Yeah? My friend lent me a book the other day all about the darkside of your horoscope. That's some scary stuff. True stuff. Apparently, its well known I have the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly. Darn, huh? What have I learned lately? It's been a while, no? I'm sorry. Too much gurgling. Too much thinking. Shake it off, get someone to set you straight. Ah, maybe that's what I'll talk about. Secrets are hard, truths are even harder. Unless you are a complete dunce (that's one of the words in one of the songs in one of the shows I'm working on right now hehe it made me laugh) Anyways, if you're a dunce, perhaps you don't realize the problems in your life. For the rest of us, we know, when we wanna 'talk' to someone... for advice, we usually know what they are going to say. We do. We know. I have faith that we know. So, if you don't have any problems; please write a blog so I can read it. If you don't realize you have problems: put on the cap, or keep reading. If you know you have problems: now we can get somewhere. If you know you have problems and you know how to solve them but you tell people about them anyways even though you know they are only going to regurgitate your own advice: hey twin. lol. So, for me. I'm starting to really put myself into these. Perhaps I should take myself out again. Make it more general? Anyways, maybe next time? Okay.. stop talking to yourself Steph.... OKAY. FOR ME! When a problem or issue or feeling or SOMETHING gets so up in your eyeballs that you can't see your eyelashes when you squint, you've gotta find that someone who can set you straight. Who you can tell your (insert word) (issue problem question life outlook) to. Someone who can listen to you, then laugh at you because they know that you know what you should do. Then they reinforce it, and when you say that you already know, they tell you why it makes sense. Those people are important, and its important to be that person for someone else too. It's "hard" to keep everything on the inside. But really? no it's not. Shut up if you tell yourself that. It's easy to swallow everything. What's hard? Spitting. It's HARD. Don't think I don't know. We all swallow sometimes, but we all have to learn to spit. But be careful. Spitting is not a pass-time. Spitting is well thought out and real and meaningful. Spitting is truth. It's not raw or rough or silly. Its just what's there. It's hard to tell someone. It's hard to tell yourself. It's nice if someone can tell you, but only if you be nice back, and listen. It'll hurt after, sometimes... but imagine if you swallowed your whole life? And you finally exploded, and everything you'd ever wanted or thought about spitting got plastered on a wall? That's what's bound to happen if you keep it all inside. So hey. remember the whole, letting people inside of you thing? I think that... different people fit differently. And we are all puzzles, made up of each other. We're not a baby puzzle... with the pictures indented into the wood and a handle on the pieces. But we're not 50000 piece puzzles either. We're a jigsaw. We fit together. We're more than two pieces, and some pieces are bigger than others, and some pieces hold other ones together. But without any pieces, we're all just A piece. You wanna be a puzzle. Puzzles are strong. Find your pieces. Goodnight. I'll continue this later. But I'm pressing post. I don't care if my spelling and my grammar sucks monkey balls. Gasp! I'm sorry english teacher... if you are reading this....

Oh hello 2am, why are we such close friends?

Sorry about my last confusing and annoyingly self- indulgent post. I went to bed last night all ca-fuffled and what not and then I was lying there, in my bed, with my fishie sheets, and this thought popped into my head.

Screw your head around three times to the right (rightie tightie! lol), and get over yourself.

There are some things in life that are worth getting upset about, and there are a whole lot of things that really don't need to be dwelled on. We all know that. We do! But yet, its SO easy and SUCH a habit to dwell dwell dwell.

Dwelling is okay, as long as you know that it's not? I think that its important to analyze, as much as we tend to over do it. If you glazed over everything, you'd cycle through daily routine without any emotion. Someone said to me yesterday, what would life be without a little pain? And I responded: easy! And he said,

"That is, in fact, quite true, however would you rather live an easy life where you learn nothing from your mistakes and constantly make the same ones over and over, or would you like to learn from your mistakes.

An example?

You burn your hand on a hot element, you feel no pain, therefore you make this mistake many times and burn yourself.... I dunno, I'd take pain over the latter :p"


How now brown cow. Or, how true, how very true. How many times have YOU put your hand back on that hot element though? I bet you quite a few times. We.. us.. society... people... we KNOW things. We do. But, knowing doesn't require action. We know it hurts to stick your hand back on the element, but do we do it anyways? Hell yes! As much as you want to learn from mistakes, you're going to make the same ones over and over again. But the next time you start putting your hand out to touch the element, you might grab an oven mitt, and leave your hand on a little longer.

I think that maybe "mistakes" are really more general than anyone has ever really thought about. You can pretty much generalize anything, and I don't mean like a "life lesson" sort of generalize, I mean a, "There are only three types of story" generalize. I usually don't like to do that, but for the sake of entertainment and perhaps my forever increasing curiosity, I sometimes do little experiments.

So what if there were only three types of mistakes? Ones where you hurt yourself, ones where you hurt someone else, and ones where you both get hurt. (You can be plural, and hurt can mean broken) If no one/ nothing gets hurt / broken, then it wasn't a mistake. I don't think.

"Learn from your mistakes"---> what does that mean!? I always thought it meant DON'T MAKE YOUR MISTAKES AGAIN. Didn't you think that? Isn't that what it means? Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe it really mean modify your approach.

Try something, and when it doesn't work, and something gets broken and you plural gets hurt, sit down, snap some pencils in half, and figure out what you are going to do next time. So maybe the Learn From Your Mistakes has been telling us all the right thing after all! But does anyone else get the feeling that most people think it means don't make your mistakes again?

Hmm?

Oh, by the way. I'm doing an experiment. I feel like the more I sleep, the more tired I get. So... if I give UP sleep, think I'll have more energy? haha There is only one way to find out! This could be very interesting. It might not last very long. Maybe not even past 4 am. haha

So what am I trying to say today? This morning?

There is a BIG giant hot burning scalding scary red inferno element sitting in the middle of Life. That's where all the bad feelings and the broken insides and the smashed vases and silly secrets and confuzzled minds all have big sleepovers every night. Although its scary, its quite intriguing. And if we were afraid of touching it, and burning ourselves, we'd never know what it was like to be happy. Hush Sound Says" Without the sour, the sweet wouldn't taste"

If we were afraid to hurt, we could never feel the totally opposite end of the spectrum. Don't go around seeking pain, and "mistakes" whatever they are. But also don't hesitate to embrace the sleepover invitation. You've got to know how to deal with the burn if you ever want to fully appreciate the healthy. You've gotta heal, after the burn, and you've gotta stay burn free before you try and touch any elements.

Okay. Finishing off...

We are all going to hurt. No matter what. But we are all going to be happy and feel like nothing could ever ever bring us done ever again. And sometimes we'll feel neutral, and not particularly bothered, or excited. Figure out where you are, where you've been and play out a few scenes of where you might be going.

Question everything, and refuse to accept anything just because someone says it's so.

Meet 2am, my buddy. He makes for interesting conversation sometimes.

Okay, I'm not crazy... I don't actually talk to my clock or anything. lol But when it's late, early? (I never know) and when you just let go of day time for a little bit, maybe its the lack of sleep? Or maybe it's something to do with jupiter and the moon aligning with mars and venus's moon. Whatever it is, find the time, or the place, or the person who have to be with, in order to stir up something inside of you.

Don't be idle. But don't forget to rest.

Anything else I can confuse you with today? :)

EVERYTHING you say matters.

If anyone EVER tells you otherwise. Kick them. or something. YOU, each and EVERY SINGLE human on this planet has an equal and VALUABLE opinion. Don't forget it. Don't ever forget it. YOU MATTER. Okay? I promise. You do.

I just assume you know what I'm talking about. I do my best to generalize, so it makes sense to everyone. But you know? Maybe sometimes to understand something you've gotta let someone in. Don't just let them take you for face value. Let someone crawl underneath your skin and feel your heartbeat and watch your brain send little shockwave signals to all your muscles. Okay. what I'm about to say is really important. okay? Promise me you won't forget it. That's two promises already. lol. okay here it goes:

when someone invites you under their skin, when they start letting you feel their heartbeat and see their shockwave signals. you BETTER be wanting to be there. If you have ANY doubt about letting that person let you in. STOP RIGHT THERE. DON'T GO IN. THEY DON'T WANT YOU. okay? promise? If you let someone let you in, but you don't even care about anything on the inside? You're just going to HURT them. I promise. So don't go in. Cause once you've let someone in, and they've seen all the shockwaves and they've probably memorized your heart beats sporadic pattern, you aren't going to forget them. But if you let yourself fall into someone because you're bored, you might be able to find your way out. But how could you be THAT selfish? hmm? You just ripped a giant whole in that person you left.

I'm not editing this post, at all... so... I'll apologize in advance if I get all crazy ramble-like.

Summarized last bit: It's really hard to totally let someone into your life. And it's even harder to try and let them go.

I'm all over the place today.

It's important to be able to trust people. But you can't trust everyone. I mean, okay, lol, yes, you can trust most people. But you can't let EVERYONE inside of you. (is this whole INSIDE of you thing starting to sound sexual? haha cause its definitely not supposed to. just had to put that out there.) Okay. So, if you let everyone inside you, you're going to be so full you can't even walk. You can't get out of bed in the morning because you're so heavy. You'd become SO full of everyone that you completely forget which thoughts are yours, and which ones belong to someone else.

So you've gotta find That. One. mmhmm. That's right. I think there realistically is only room for one more person inside an entirely whole other person. So that's a big deal. And you probably spend at least half of your life looking for That. One.

But what if you find that one when you're fifteen? What if you find them when you're twelve? Or what if you spend 38 years looking until you finally find it? hmm?

I feel like I'm rolled up in an air-tight ziplock bag. And I'm trying to explain everything at once right now but I'm all squished up and sealed shut so I'm really not getting anywhere.

GAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

You ever just wanna stand on something really really tall? And just... throw your head back and yell and spin? Does anyone else ever want to do that? lol

People are so easily confused. I bet if you closed your eyes right now and fast forwarded through your entire day you could press pause at at least three still shots and all you could think was; "Wait, What?" Why is that happening? What did I do? Why isn't that me? Why aren't they saying this? Why did they say that instead? Why did they say nothing at all? Is it because of something I did? Am I thinking too much right now? Should I be saying this? What is going on?

Questions. Questions. Questions. every time you ask a question you are confused. not like, dazed and stupid. But you are inquisitive? bad word. uh... when you ask a question (okay, I guess when I ask a question, this is whats going on in my mind, lol I don't really have any clue what happens in your head when you ask a question)

When I ask a question. I'm weighing out all the options for response. I'm like "hmm... well, they could say this, and when they said that, I could respond with this, and if they answered this way it would make what they said earlier make complete and total sense"

But. It's no fun trying to script out every moment. Because you (I) like it the most when something you didn't think could ever happen does. Thats what makes you (me) happy. Being caught off guard, without having time to think. You (I) do best, when I don't have time to use your (my) head.

Because for me (maybe you?) my head is what gets me into trouble. When I do the things I do, I don't think. Not the way I usually do. When I dance, or sing, or play piano or whatever it is I'm doing, I don't think about options. I don't worry about responses. I just DO. And thats when I feel most... me. When I can forget about my head.

So what happens when the person supposed to be giving advice doesn't even have any of her own to take?

Do What You Like. Like What You Do.

Today I came to a very unfortunate realization. I have to go to school. There isn't any getting out of it. I have to sit in a desk for six hours a day and copy definitions out of textbooks. Hmm. Okay. I am done being bitter. I love school! Ha, I actually do, I promise. Work is fun! And I LIVE to learn. LIVE. The school environment is just really hard for me. Which is weird, because you wouldn't think so, cause I get high marks. Maybe I just have a really boring semester. I hope thats it. I don't think it was this hard last year? Not work hard. Mentally hard. lol I can't focuss on overheads for six hours. I CAN'T DO IT!!

But. I have to. and I'm over the fact that I don't really want to. I could (and might) continue to complain. But it will no longer take up my life. There are 24 hours in a day. Everyone has to go to school, make the most of it. Stop complaining all day about 1/4 of your time. Take advantage of the repetition to ease your mind so you can fully utilize it out of class! I love school. I promise. I do.

Anyways. Moving on. The way I see "IT" (today's "it" which doesn't have a title yet) okay. The way I see it, it seems the genereal feeling is when you're fifteen, you're five years away from being twenty. But when you're twenty, you're not thiry five. So, why the heck would you wait around until you become something that isn't another!? Am I making sense? When you're fifteen, don't think of yourself as not thirty five, and five years away from being twenty. BE FIFTEEN!! THINK FIFTEEN! Stop enabling yourself until this thing called "the future" picks you up and makes everything better. We all know today was last years future, that's common knowledge! So stop striving for something you can't conquer. You can't saddle time. lol You just can't do it. So get over it. Go to school. haha jk. Well, I'm not just kidding.... okay never mind.

Don't be afraid of commitment, and don't be afraid of change. Don't say something just because someone wants to hear it. You'll get bored of that, and they will too. You can set rules, and make boundaries, just so you both know how far you know you can't go, but secretly want to. Risk sounding ridiculous, or you'll tire them out, and never get to say what you really mean.

I do best when I let my guard down. I am the most me when I'm walking down the street singing and dancing and being the sort of strange girl people learn to love. This is getting hard. Before I get too personal, I'll relate this to a life lesson. haha That's my secret: when something starts eating away at you, turn it into a world wide feast. It's not a a very nice secret. Don't do it. Don't generalize your stories okay? You definitley need to be aware of the general-ness and "life lessons" that are out there, but you're supposed to take these general things and make them specific to you. I need to learn that. I'm slowly learning.

Anyways. Maybe today we can all take some risks and sound ridiculous for the greater good. lol Or maybe for ourselves.

Whatever you do. Learn something, go to school, be you. do what YOU like, and like what you DO.

TIME

time.time.time.time.time.time! Holy man. Time rules all. Time is life! Time is the only constant. It's always there, always passing, running out... Time! Crazy!

It's already February the 21st. What have you done this February? It's weird looking at the word February... with the R after the B. It looks weird.

OH MY GOD! I GOT IN! To that thing... that I started making this blog for... I got in! Can you believe it? Holy man. I'm right excited. Ha. I leave in eleven days. I think. haha

Is there a difference between being nice and being a pushover? There must be a cut off somewhere. I like to think that people know I'd go through a lot to make them happy. I hate being around people who are upset, yet I'm drawn to them because something inside of me just wants them to feel better. I do everything in my power to keep everyone happy. I really do. But what goes along with that is the occasional event of being stepped on. I put others peoples happiness before my own, because one of the things I know makes ME happy is making OTHER people happy. But, sometimes the things you have to go through to make those OTHER people happy are quite difficult to deal with.

Maybe I think that if I let these OTHER people continue to step on me, eventually they'll realize that I've let them do so in order to give them eventual happiness. Maybe I think once they realize that, they'll stop stepping on me, and start trying to make ME happy too.

Don't get me wrong, I'm an extremely happy person. People always ask me "Steph, are you ever angry?" "You're always smiling" haha But also, I have excellent experience with the entire emotional spectrum. Believe me.

So. I don't think by any means that I'm a push over. I think a push over doesn't realize they're even being pushed. I LET people step on me sometimes, cause in the long run I hope they realize what its like to be stepped on, and then they stop stepping on people, and try to make other people realize that it's not by stepping on people that we feel better about ourselves. It's when we help people realize its by HELPING people UP the real staircase that we all feel good.

oh geeze.

I LOVE the song toothpaste kisses, by the maccabees. listen to it. its awesome.

I have a bad habit of sometimes making huge plans, and not following through. Maybe I get scared of the time, maybe I forget it's going to pass anyway. I hate it. Anyways, I'm really trying to stop doing that. I started this blog thing, and I'm going to finish it. I don't know when I'll be done, but I know I will know when I am.

I'm not done yet.

On a total opposite end of the spectrum, I'm slowly learning how to let things go. That's an important skill you have to figure out. I don't think you're supposed to forget about things. I don't like forgetting. But, you have to learn to take things that happened, that upset you, and make them stop happening. Does that make sense? Take the person who hurt you, and turn them into a memory. A memory is in a different place than a thought. You can think about memories, but when you're done they go back to their shelf.

Use what you feel, and turn it into something else. Like vegetable oil fueling cars. Take something you feel, that might not be so awesome, and put it towards something more efficient. I'm talking about bad feelings here, if you haven't caught on. Although, you should try to keep your happy moments as memories too.

Memories are long-term. Thoughts are moments.

By taking these events, these thoughts, those words... and filing them away in the back of your head, you don't forget about them. You're never going to forget about them, get that through your head before you start trying to use them more efficiently. But by doing this, these things turn into experiences, rather than tragedies. If everything we felt would kill us actually did, the world would be populated by mindless fish and leaves.

Now, you're probably thinking. Hey, didn't you say a few weeks ago to let yourself feel? Didn't you say when you think something is the end of the world, it is?

Yeah, I did. Before you let go (/ efficiently use) something, it has to pass through your thoughts first, you can't avoid that step. You DO have to let yourself feel. Panic at the Disco says: "I'm sure I didn't ruin her, I just made her more interesting."

I like to think that about everything. Our society is strong. Each individual is admirable. We CAN get through things, and the end of one world will come as a new one takes its place. Always tell yourself that you can't be ruined, that you only get more interesting.

I'm not an idiot. I know life sucks sometimes. I KNOW. But by realizing that, I also must know that life is INCREDIBLE. Life is full of beauty and indescribable happiness. "Without the sour, the sweet wouldn't taste." - The Hush Sound

So, once you feel you've felt enough of the end of the world, open up your arms and let the new one come. But store the hurt, keep the sad, and hang up the confusion, because you always want to be able to tap back into emotions. Don't put yourself through the world changing every day. Just know that if you could, you would pull yourself back briefly into that previous world and do a few things different. But don't dwell. Things happen, and you can't change them. Just because you typed something, and backspaced it before you clicked send, doesn't mean you didn't feel it. Erasing doesn't mean you didn't mean it. Backspace buttons and erasers are two big things that take a lot of feeling out of all worlds.

Don't be afraid of the end of the world. Let it come. Feel sad. Accept the new one. Store the old. Rinse... and repeat.

old post

98.6% of my entire body longs for fantastical adventure.

So.... I watched Avatar the other day....

I don't know about you guys, but when I watch movies like this, I get really into it. I don't think it's a story while I'm watching, I become totally enthralled and literally I become part of the action. Who wouldn't want to plug their pony tail into a kick-butt dragon and fly around floating mountains? Like actually? That's number one on my bucket list.

Gaaahh.... Leaving the theater I'm proud to say I wasn't just completely shattered when the fact that until society advances into super-techno mode, and we discover Pandora (that's the place where Avatar happened for those of you who haven't seen it yet), we're all stuck here on earth (unless your an astronaut) became clear in my mind. I mean, obviously I was pumped, cause the movie was intense and ridiculous and just so amazing, but instead of making me feel sad because I didn't have that sort of life-threatening action in my life, I felt excited to fight my own earthly and perhaps much less interesting and definitely safer battles.

Which I suppose sounds pretty lame.

gurgle. swish. don't swallow; spit.

My aunt is my dentist, everyone thinks that's weird. haha. So, I've come to the conclusion I am the most indecisive person on the planet. But, cutting myself a little slack, maybe that means I'm the BEST pros and cons person out there. I'm also unfortunately disabled in the department of taking my own advice. I severely lack any of that skill. Which is quite unfortunate. Oh, wondering about the whole "gurgle. swish. don't swallow; spit"? it's today's life lesson. It doesn't have anything to do with dental hygiene. You can think (gurgle) and edit (swish) anything you want. But don't keep anything inside (swallow) express it (spit). How much more can I emphasize this point? Do you ever think about something you wish you said in a previous conversation? You can picture everything about the situation, and you replay yourself saying what you wish you had over and over again. Of course, I know it's rare you ever come up with the things you want to say in the moment. It's usually the night after when you're going to bed still thinking about it. But still, there are a few times where you have something ready, but you swallow it. Cause you're scared. I get scared a lot, I'm the first to admit it. Maybe I'm just rambling about this so I can get it into my own head. Sometimes you want someone to say that perfect line you've written for them so you can respond with your late-night-scripted perfect answer. Conversations aren't perfect. That's what makes them so interesting and fun to be involved with. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and go and write my history exam. haha. and all day I'm going to spit. I won't swallow a single thing. I'll let you know how it goes. Gah. Alright, focusing. I'm have trouble relating this to a general life lesson. Today, MY life lesson is to suck it up and spit. You can try it if you want, but it might possibly cause more damage than it helps a situation. But when you spend a lot of time swallowing, especially in the presence of the same specific people, or person...., you suddenly have a lot of stuff to spit, and a lot less room to swallow. So... try and find the balance between swallowing and spitting. Don't go around telling people you hate their sweaters, but if you really love them, let them know. There.

naive. curious. surprisingly profound?

The issue isn't necessarily directly YOU. It's just that fluffy cloud of irresistible-ness that oozes out of every word you say, and every action you take. It's not your fault, but it's not really my fault either, is it?

Anyways.

What's new in my life? Early last week (it's been a while, I know, but exams are right around the corner of this calendar week and it's been taking a toll on my witty fingers. ha.) anyways, early last week I had a bit of a break down thinking about the rest of my life. I was thinking about France (the exchange I'm going on next year) and how it was going to mess with my schedule. I had to sudden need to know what the game plan was for the next few years. (roughly) So I peaced out of first period and booked an appointment with student services. (well actually I was first told to go back to class because you're not allowed to make appointments during class time, but I went back between first and second)

So, pretty much, I've decided the first attempt at post secondary school is going to be Ryerson university. I'll get my undergrad there (four years in film study) and then head to UCLA of theater film and television. I'll do the graduate program and get a masters degree in production and directing.

I think that it is important, as I've stated before, to not forget about the present but simultaneously not ignoring the future. I realize I change my mind a lot. People tell me every day that I should stop trying to plan for the future. Why would I not take every opportunity to prepare myself?

When bad things happen, or ANYthings happen for that matter, don't tell yourself that you won't remember they way it made you feel tomorrow. That sounded confusing. Okay, has anyone ever told you "it's not the end of the world?" or "it's not like this will matter ten years from now, or even tomorrow" ? When something happens to you, and you FEEL like it's the end of the world, it is. Right there, in that moment, something inside of you has crumbled into a pile of irrevocable rubble. (I'm not sure I technically used 'irrevocable' correctly in that sentence. but deal with it)

You have to learn to face matters full and head on. If you always think about not feeling anything in the future, eventually you will no doubt completely desensitize yourself from feeling anything in the present. That means not only would you be numb to any pain, but you always wouldn't be able to LAUGH! How awful would that be?

If you're sad, cry. If you're happy, smile. If you're angry, scream into your pillow. If you're lonely, surround yourself with people who love you. Do NOT wait for tomorrow to come and make you feel better. Eventually, there isn't going to be a tomorrow to suffer through today for. So don't make today a waste of waiting for tomorrow!

Gah. Trust me. Letting things brew in the frosty air of things you should do or say or explain is not the way to go. Don't fear the answers you don't want. Seek honesty.

Let yourself FEEL.

extreme.intense.serious.

Happy Tuesday everybody!

Yesterday I made a promise to myself to fight battles in order to makes memories and express myself.

Today I came to terms with my father. It's been a pretty touchy subject for the past few years, to be completely honest. To sum it all up, first you must understand that I love and respect my father more than you could even attempt to comprehend (yes I realize I just said, in order to understand you must attempt to understand something incomprehensible... but whatever) Anyways, John Irving did a pretty good job of describing the situation in his book "A Prayer for Owen Meany"

it's on page 238 of the balantine books version of it

"She simultaneously worshiped and despised her father, who was a terrible snob and regaled Maureen with both undeserved praise and a staggering list of his expectations for her; at the very least, she would one day have her doctorate- and if she were to indulge in her fantasy, and become a movie star, she would make her reputation only after numerous triumphs in "legitimate" theater."

of course, it's not completely accurate... but at least you understand a small fraction of the relationship between me and my dad

Anyways, after several stupid arguments over the past few weeks something big finally blew up, and we both got hurt in the blast. But for the first time (after driving home and blasting the Killers preparing myself for complete surrender) I walked up to him and held my entire world in my hands.

I was completely honest. I told him what he needed to know, and he was honest to me in return. It's amazing what honesty can do. Don't assume people understand what you think of them. You may feel like you do everything in your power to make them feel how you are trying to make them, when a simple ACTION might just do the trick. For me, a complete word-worm, it's hard to understand an ACTION could have more meaning to someone than a shoveled-from-the-bottom-of-your-heart confession. Dr. Suess once said "Life's a great balancing act" and today's life lesson is honoring that.

For every word-worm in a room, there is an "actions speak louder than words" guy. Realize and embrace this. Also know, there are 750 billion different types of people, some more difficult to distinguish. So tonight I'm going to bed knowing what side of the "great balancing act" I'm wavering on.

By EXPRESSING my concern and opinion I worked through a conflict. You can do the same. I promise.

blogging is hard! xD

I've always wanted to be completely fluent in a section of specialized jargon. I've thought about maybe sailor jargon, how cool would that be? Or super technical and scientific jargon (is it offensive to call science terms jargon?) or even just internet jargon (how many times have I said jargon in the last 10 seconds?) haha.

Anyways. What's new in my life? I went to see Sherlock Holmes last night. I love movies. I really do. It was super cool, the way it was all so dark and shadow-y. It was filmed in London, and I heart London. yeah, I heart it.

Life lessons....

Do not talk about ANYTHING at a cafeteria table. If possible, avoid them all together. You know when you're sitting there, sippin on your mystery soup of the day? and you can hear that loser two tables up babbling on about something you probably shouldn't be listening to? It's funny right? Well, maybe, but it sucks when that rambling fool turns into you. Highschool drama sucks, especially when you're involved in it.

other life lesson.... EXPRESS YOURSELF. I don't think there is anything worse than living in the shadow of what "could've" or "should've" or even "might" or "maybe" have happened. You live life one day at a time, one microsecond ticking after each and every microsecond. You have big dreams, and little dreams. Please don't be afraid of the big ones. I read in a book last Friday... something along the lines of don't be afraid of big dreams that will take time to complete because "the time will pass anyway"

bam.

five words. That is SO true! It makes SENSE doesn't it? You always feel silly making these big life plans with 100 and 50 thousand steps, and you know it will take forever to complete. But life is forever, but life DOES pass. Am I making sense? Probably not. But that sentence did. It really made me think.

Also, I was talking with my friend (what should HIS codename be? wicked awesome deadly? WAD? lol... my math teacher use to say that... ahahah, it doesn't sound very pleasant. wad.. ) anyways, me and WAD were just talking about life, and for the purpose of this entry it doesn't matter how it came up in conversation :P but he said... something along the lines of... "I know, people there are no fun. They complain about how there is nothing to do, but they don't DO anything about it"

bam.

more than five words, but still a very powerful statement. and again, so TRUE. People DO complain about anything and everything, and it's very seldom, however small the action they take, that they choose to take any action at all.

so I was thinking pretty hard the other day about "time passing" and "doing anything" about it. sorry for all the quotations ... and I realized that it's too easy to fall into habit. Go to sleep. Wake up. Brush your teeth. Go to school. Get yelled at for something or another. Eat Lunch. Avoid Caf tables. (haha) and fragment after boring fragment. I don't want to fall into the habit of routine-ing my time away. Every day is a new day, and it is our responsibility to distinguish each Tuesday from the other. We should all be going to bed satisfied that we could write a three page recount of the previous day. And not have it full of bullshit, or the word "chillin'"

My new task, officially, is to make sure I have one note-worthy event for everyday I wake up. I'm going to document it, maybe take a picture? or at least have a quote. (tying this back to where this point came from) I have to EXPRESS some sort of emotion. I refuse to live in routine. (mindless routine) I'm not going to stop brushing my teeth, don't worry.... But, you know? It's awful how an entire week can go by and you can't even comment on something that made you laugh.

so... tying this back more clearly to where the original point was. I'm going to make sure I EXPRESS MYSELF everyday. I will not let routine rule me, and I will take risks and fight battles in order to make memories.

I've ventured off on several different tangents... but hopefully the main point is clear.

Don't go to bed until you know you've done something different than yesterday. Make sure you can tell yourself that you took each opportunity that presented itself into careful and serious consideration before disregarding or responding to it. Live in the moment, don't ignore the micro-seconds, and at the same time don't forget about the bigger picture. Remember time WILL pass, but don't let it pass passively. EXPRESS each moment with extreme passion. Because there is no such thing as re-living. You can re-visit and re-experience, but once ten billion microseconds are gone, they aren't coming back.

LIVE LIFE TO THE UTMOST FULLEST. NO EXCUSES OR DOCTOR'S NOTES ACCEPTED.

:)

just general life

I have this theory that good books are all hidden between the covers that bind them, in the sale section of a bookstore, or behind bad reviews. The truth of a good book is that you really can't make a judgment of it until you've actually taken the time to read it yourself. Everything about a good book discourages you, that's why half the satisfaction of finishing a book is knowing that you found it.

Good example: I was in Chapters yesterday (with uber cool) and we were looking for cool books, like life inspiring. So we found this one called Living in the Moment. The cover was a gross turquoise-y colour and the font was too boxy to be anywhere near appealing. The back just had praise from a few newspapers and magazine's neither of us had never heard of, and the inside cover talked about something that failed to catch our attention. But we opened the book anyways, and we started reading.

And it was good. It was really good.

Why do all the good books hide? Why does anything hide? I think it's a sort of filter, or a lesson. A good book is like a good friend and a good friend has a story.

This is awesome!! OMG! I haven't slept in like three days!! WOOOHOOO ..... uhh.... uh oh... guys? I don't feel so good ......

Well.... any previous comment that jet lag is fun is revoked. Jet lag sucks. Jet lag is horrible.... jet lag is .... potentially a little humerus?
So I lolled around yesterday, not exactly doing anything productive (and just when I'd started I'd been interrupted... and then again, and then I eventually had an excuse... I mean something important came up, and I had to leave the house)and I was feeling okay, a little peculiar, but I just blamed it on lack of sleep and left.
I got home around 6:30 and my friend didn't get off work until 8:00 so I thought that by setting my alarm for 8:05 I would have enough time to wake up and be gung ho for the evening. Oh, ps. no one is home, and I don't like that very much. So I leave the lights on, I don't even go under the blankets, I just lie on top of by bed.
Sleep didn't take long to come. I was out so quickly I only vaguely remember my mom coming home and thinking that it was okay for me to sleep through my alarm, because well... when my friend came I would have to be woken up to go get him at the door.
Anyways, I slept through the alarm, and no one woke me up to go get him. Have you ever been told not to wake a sleep walker? I guess, in his defense, I wasn't walking... I was just sort of standing in my room. (At least from what he's told me) I was still dead out cold and had NO idea what was going on. I think I'd been dreaming he had come upstairs, but then I wasn't actually dreaming about him, just about the stuff around him.
So here's my friend, trying to ask me if I'm okay, because I look sick and I'm not even speaking in real words, and there's me: fumbling around my bedroom trying to figure out what was going on.
I really don't remember him coming up stairs. I remember him being there but there were streamers all over, hanging from the ceiling... but there were no streamers when I came home so... I MUST have been out of it.
Continuing. So he keeps asking me if I'm okay; "Steph, are you okay?". And I'm really upset about something, which is why I guess he thought I was sick. I finally manage to gain a small fraction of conciseness and stumble over the words, "Your present!"
"I know!" he said. "That's what we're doing!"
I just got back from Egypt a couple days ago (hense the jet lag) and I'd gotten him some stuff for Christmas... or maybe I got it just because it's automatically a cool gift because it's form Egypt. Anyways. I hand him the unwrapped stuff and he graciously works through the little pile.
It was a pretty cool little haul, I must say. But there were no shiny yellow Tonka trucks or remote control mouses or whatever guys remember ever getting for Christmas. But there WAS a story behind each object! I then proceeded to become more upset because I couldn't remember the stories behind the present! And I thought, well, the gift is already 50% cool because it's from Egypt... but what about the other 50%? The meaning behind each little trinket.
By the end of the night I had managed to explain sort of what the stories were, but I'll have to really make sense of it for him sometime today. Because the stories are good. :)
I'm eventually conscious enough to get into the vehicle and leave my house behind. I'm apologizing for my strange behavior and he's telling me what I'd been doing, but I really still wasn't 100% there.
We get to our destination and say hello. They start making pizza and I take a seat at one of the super cool chairs in my super cool friend's house. Actually. She's amazing. Like I said before, I'm new to this whole blogging thing (and someone told me video blogging is VLOGGING not video... logging or what ever I said before)and I don't know if you're supposed to use real names? Cause... I used MY real name, and I guess the two people who will actually read this are probably the two people who have been referred to as "my friend" or "my super cool friend".
Back on topic. I don't remember why I'm there. I have a glass of water, and I'm just watching them get the pizza ready and suddenly I realize it's not an earth quake, my stomach is just under attack. I get sick a lot. All the time. It sucks. But I don't really make I big deal about it, because I'm used to it. So I lock my self in the bathroom and try to control my militarily abused insides. Usually cold water helps.
I also shake a lot, usually when I'm sick, which is usually. So we all go sit by the fireplace in the super cool downstairs. The warmth eases the shaking. Normal (GAH why am I using that word?) people would go home if they feel sick right? Okay, maybe I should just break it to you now so we don't have to discuss it later. If there was a way to describe a stereotypical teenager as three things (angsty, smart-ass, broody) my super cool friends and I would probably be insane, out of control and super. So, we aren't stereotypical teenagers. Or people. We're us. That's all.
So the way I was looking at it was, I could go home and be sick there, or I could stay with my super cool friends in her super cool basement and watch a really lame movie. It hurt to move. I think the combination of not sleeping for three days and being on this artificial high that I must be finally turning into a vampire and if I don't need sleep, why do I need food?! EDWARD HERE I COME. ha. just joking. Anyways, maybe the fact I hadn't slept was making me so sick I couldn't eat had something to do with the whole dream like state I was still in.
I could only sort of answer questions, and they could say stuff about fire breathing dragons and I would just nod my head and try not to move anything else for fear of pain.
Their pizza concoction... which had stuffing on it (super cool friend's dad's idea) actually got pretty good reviews. I sat on the couch, unmoving. We watched King Pin, which is totally not appropriate and highly disturbing and parts but still guiltily a little funny. I fell asleep.
'My friend'... my unnamed friend. (why am I making such a big deal about the no names?) drove me home. We'd all managed to have a good time, we always do, but it sucks because super cool goes to school out of town. I'd also managed to remain such a stillness that I hadn't actually had to give in to the raging war my insides were fighting. I was finally probably 93% there by the time I got out of the car.
Walking up three flights of stairs doesn't count as stillness. Gah. My insides finally won before I made it back to my bedroom, and there was an open present on my bed. You rock friend. Your new code name can be uber cool. I hope super cool doesn't mind that you get uber in your code name. Sometime after my delirious attempt at explaining his trinkets, he'd given me something. I sort of remember opening it, and he had said something when I left the car, like "do you remember what you opened before you left?" but I really hadn't until I saw it right in front of me.
The moral of this story is to not fight jet lag. When you get home at 1 am after a full 24 hours of plane flights, go to bed. I don't care how awake you are. Go to bed. Stay in bed. Maybe eat something...
But it's times in life when we fight our instincts and we ignore advice that we make memories. Jet lag sucks, yes. Friends are worth everything? Double yes. I fell asleep listening to the XX cd my uber cool friend got for me, even though I freaked the heck out of him by being woken out of my sleep-standing? Triple yes.

One step at a time.... or two

I keep a journal, and I make an effort to write everyday. This morning (around 3am, I'm severely jet lagged and have been awake for.... too many hours to count) while I was filtering through my word documents I found this one. It was saved as "me". I wrote it sometime in September 09. I think this is the very best description of myself I've ever come up with. When I talk with people (not to) they sometimes strike a nerve, which isn't difficult because as a recorder of life ( / writer) I'm naturally a very nervous person. Anyways, there are a couple people in my life, a select few, who I enjoy participating in verbal battles. I don't remember the context in which I spewed this dissection, but I remember who it was to.

Me:

I’m like, well… the very core essence of my being, is like a coiled spring, or mass compressed ball of untamable energy. And, as a human, I can't show anyone my insides… obviously, But everyday I live with them inside me and they are scratching and tickling the inside layers of my skin trying to get out, but that’s not humanly acceptable right? Who would talk to someone with springs coming out their ears and fire hot energy bursting out of every pore? So I have to find outlets, to secretly uncoil the spring and release the energy, to give my skin a rest, you know? It’s tough holding all that inside of one little person. So I found writing, but I stopped writing for other people and started writing only for myself, so I had to take a break from that, then, dance, but it’s hard to get noticed, and, maybe I forgot to mention this, but this energy ball, the only way its satisfied is with other peoples satisfaction, so I have to please myself so I stay sane but I have to be satisfying someone else’s needs at the same time. So, you know? It’s straining.

It's a new year, a fresh start. Let's get serious.

Well. It's 2010. I'll be half way through high school in less than six months. I'm just another fifteen year old girl with big dreams. 2010 is a solid number. It's going to be a solid year. The main purpose, or... I suppose, the reason I'm starting this, is so I can put a link on an application I'm filling out. I'm going to be posting a lot of my writing, most of it a few years old, but some more recent. Almost none of it is finished, but that's where you come in.
I'm sort of making this up as I go along. I'm not into the whole video blogging (logging?) thing, reading and writing is a different way of engaging in thought. Watching and listening, although presumably effective, is perhaps a little less intellectual?
I like making things up. I like talking with people (not to them, I hate talking TO people, I much prefer a double sided conversation) and working their words into my creations. I don't know how this whole blogging thing works, really I have no clue. But, maybe with some sort of feedback I could start working on a big project? Maybe all these unfinished tidbits are just in need of a little push?
Some of it's poetry, some of it is just thoughts scribbled down. A lot of the stuff I'm going to post is super personal, and every word actually means something, but I'm probably not going to tell you what. It might be frustrating, but life is, so.... so there.
Maybe I'll just end up blogging like a normal blogger.... is blogging normal? What is normal? I really hate that word. I'm probably going to end up ranting a lot. I'm very goal orientated and not very good and following rules. English rules. My paragraph structure is probably jaw-drappingly awful and gob-stopperingly difficult to chew.
But alas, I continue to write. I'm not concerned, yet, where this is exactly going, I'm sure I will start to figure things out. Maybe that's my goal; to set a goal. To figure things out. How long do I have, a year? One month?
The application is due on the seventh of February but I have a sneaky suspicion this ab-normal blogging tick is going to stick with me.
Hopefully I don't get limes disease. Or carpol tunnel.
Ps. I can't spell, but I love words.
I love life.

PPS. I do not want to die and be buried in a little grave in a town no one has heard of. I want to inspire greatness. I want people to know who I am. I want to have respect and in turn distribute my passion across the entire world.

I want to start fires in everyone's soul. I want every single person in the world to find the thing that drives them every morning out of bed. The passion, the fire, the meaning. I want to give to the world. I want to make things make sense... to everyone, especially me. I want to learn about everything.

I get carried away and excited sometimes. My passion is expression. What's yours?