Drown, and choke. (old post)

just kidding. that one's for Emily. Yeah, she rocks so much she gets to keep her real name.

So. In life, in everyone's life, in my life, and your life, and his life and her life, we want things. We want to KNOW things and FEEL things and we WANT. We KNOW we WANT to FEEL. Instead of always worrying what will happen and fretting over what ifs and perhaps-es. (I know that's not a word) Instead of... gurgling until you explode. say something.

Not enough brain? No bread in your basket? You need six eggs? That's too expensive!

THERE MUST BE MORE TO THIS PROVINCIAAAAL LIFE! :D

Hey uber cool? lol... I know those were none of your lines. But. You rock! That show? Was crazy intense. You rock. uh... yourockyourockyourock. k? Got it? Okay. You rock.

If nothing seems concrete, go lie down on the sidewalk.

I don't get you. In two ways. I don't have you, and you don't make sense. Why can't I pretend I feel something other than what I do? Why can't I make up a word to explain to myself what it is that I do feel? Why should I have to convince myself that what I feel is real? Isn't that when you come in? Did you forget your line? Did you forget you had a part in this play?

When nothing seems concrete, go lie down on the sidewalk.

When something stupid starts to take over everything, and your usual everything turns into wasting time, real wasted time, lieing on the couch with your phone under your chin, w.a.s.t.i.n.g time, then SOMETHING IS WRONG. Or, maybe, something right is happening.

blahblahblahblahblah

It's time we all start treating people like people. Today, someone who means more than one world to me, told me something. When you trust someone, and they trust you back, and they tell you something, and the trusting bond is sealed... you feel, safe. You feel good. Trust is a very important thing, it's an important feeling, it is an important... everything. Without trust, without certainty, nothing is anything. And everything is nothing.

Trust happens. Trust is good.

It's scary to know yourself. It's scary to know that other people know you. Everyday I find out how someone is different than me. For someone who grew up being told that "everyone feels this way" I'm finding out that not everyone knows what I'm talking about. It's really interesting. I'm actually totally fascinated by people and the things people say and they way certain things make certain people feel certain ways.

As much as I try to, I don't want to say dumb myself down, because I am dumb, I am naive, still, but anyways... I try really hard to generalize myself sometimes. I try to wake up and brush my teeth and go to school and come home from dance and do my homework and go to bed and wake up and do it again. But I can't. I feel like I don't even exist.

Wake up, before you even check your phone to see how late you slept, and run outside. Right onto your front yard. I don't care if it's raining, or if your front yard is infested with pixies. Run out there. Bright an early. Sit down. And tell yourself three things you're going to do that day.

Don't go through the motions of life because you have to. Nothing should be an obligation, everything is choice. We have morals as people, and we make mistakes. But, we are capable. Of everything. We are able. We are real. We are not mechanical bodies. We are not programmed. We have the power to think! We have the power to make! To create! To learn!

Please! If you ever take any advice from me, let it be LIVE. Define it yourself. What makes you live? What keeps you alive? I'm here to help. But it's you. It's us and it's we and it's them and him and her and those guys.

Don't go through motions. Make motions. Make change, and don't waste. Define something.

secrets are hard, truths are even harder

editeditedit.SEND.JUST HIT THE DAMN BUTTON. << lol. original title. yeah,yeah. I've already told you to spit. Have you done it? Liked anyone's sweaters? I've started a lot of posts lately, with interesting titles such as... I AM NOT A NUMBER. and ... I swear to God I'm human. hahaa But I haven't done a lot of spitting. I haven't really done a lot of swallowing either though... just a heck of a lot of gurgling and swishing. Gross. Don't waste your time. I know that its hard to take something, that you think is very important, and realize it is just a waste of time. Not that time is ever really wasted. Or spent. Time and I (me and time?) have a very strange relationship. Sometimes he is kind, other times he oppresses me. Most of the time he just dangles in front of my eyes and giggles and the severe confusion he causes. Ps. Yeah, it's almost 2 am again. So... everything happens for a reason. I believe that. It's just when, you don't know that reason, and this thing that happened... or is happening... is taking over your life. You've gotta stop it. You can't let the bad take over. I mean, hey, if it's passion taking over your life? JUMP AROUND AND THROW YOUR ARMS BACK AND YELL. you can spin too if you feel the need. But, I think we've all been there. wallowy... broody... moody... erm.... angsty? Yeah? My friend lent me a book the other day all about the darkside of your horoscope. That's some scary stuff. True stuff. Apparently, its well known I have the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly. Darn, huh? What have I learned lately? It's been a while, no? I'm sorry. Too much gurgling. Too much thinking. Shake it off, get someone to set you straight. Ah, maybe that's what I'll talk about. Secrets are hard, truths are even harder. Unless you are a complete dunce (that's one of the words in one of the songs in one of the shows I'm working on right now hehe it made me laugh) Anyways, if you're a dunce, perhaps you don't realize the problems in your life. For the rest of us, we know, when we wanna 'talk' to someone... for advice, we usually know what they are going to say. We do. We know. I have faith that we know. So, if you don't have any problems; please write a blog so I can read it. If you don't realize you have problems: put on the cap, or keep reading. If you know you have problems: now we can get somewhere. If you know you have problems and you know how to solve them but you tell people about them anyways even though you know they are only going to regurgitate your own advice: hey twin. lol. So, for me. I'm starting to really put myself into these. Perhaps I should take myself out again. Make it more general? Anyways, maybe next time? Okay.. stop talking to yourself Steph.... OKAY. FOR ME! When a problem or issue or feeling or SOMETHING gets so up in your eyeballs that you can't see your eyelashes when you squint, you've gotta find that someone who can set you straight. Who you can tell your (insert word) (issue problem question life outlook) to. Someone who can listen to you, then laugh at you because they know that you know what you should do. Then they reinforce it, and when you say that you already know, they tell you why it makes sense. Those people are important, and its important to be that person for someone else too. It's "hard" to keep everything on the inside. But really? no it's not. Shut up if you tell yourself that. It's easy to swallow everything. What's hard? Spitting. It's HARD. Don't think I don't know. We all swallow sometimes, but we all have to learn to spit. But be careful. Spitting is not a pass-time. Spitting is well thought out and real and meaningful. Spitting is truth. It's not raw or rough or silly. Its just what's there. It's hard to tell someone. It's hard to tell yourself. It's nice if someone can tell you, but only if you be nice back, and listen. It'll hurt after, sometimes... but imagine if you swallowed your whole life? And you finally exploded, and everything you'd ever wanted or thought about spitting got plastered on a wall? That's what's bound to happen if you keep it all inside. So hey. remember the whole, letting people inside of you thing? I think that... different people fit differently. And we are all puzzles, made up of each other. We're not a baby puzzle... with the pictures indented into the wood and a handle on the pieces. But we're not 50000 piece puzzles either. We're a jigsaw. We fit together. We're more than two pieces, and some pieces are bigger than others, and some pieces hold other ones together. But without any pieces, we're all just A piece. You wanna be a puzzle. Puzzles are strong. Find your pieces. Goodnight. I'll continue this later. But I'm pressing post. I don't care if my spelling and my grammar sucks monkey balls. Gasp! I'm sorry english teacher... if you are reading this....

Oh hello 2am, why are we such close friends?

Sorry about my last confusing and annoyingly self- indulgent post. I went to bed last night all ca-fuffled and what not and then I was lying there, in my bed, with my fishie sheets, and this thought popped into my head.

Screw your head around three times to the right (rightie tightie! lol), and get over yourself.

There are some things in life that are worth getting upset about, and there are a whole lot of things that really don't need to be dwelled on. We all know that. We do! But yet, its SO easy and SUCH a habit to dwell dwell dwell.

Dwelling is okay, as long as you know that it's not? I think that its important to analyze, as much as we tend to over do it. If you glazed over everything, you'd cycle through daily routine without any emotion. Someone said to me yesterday, what would life be without a little pain? And I responded: easy! And he said,

"That is, in fact, quite true, however would you rather live an easy life where you learn nothing from your mistakes and constantly make the same ones over and over, or would you like to learn from your mistakes.

An example?

You burn your hand on a hot element, you feel no pain, therefore you make this mistake many times and burn yourself.... I dunno, I'd take pain over the latter :p"


How now brown cow. Or, how true, how very true. How many times have YOU put your hand back on that hot element though? I bet you quite a few times. We.. us.. society... people... we KNOW things. We do. But, knowing doesn't require action. We know it hurts to stick your hand back on the element, but do we do it anyways? Hell yes! As much as you want to learn from mistakes, you're going to make the same ones over and over again. But the next time you start putting your hand out to touch the element, you might grab an oven mitt, and leave your hand on a little longer.

I think that maybe "mistakes" are really more general than anyone has ever really thought about. You can pretty much generalize anything, and I don't mean like a "life lesson" sort of generalize, I mean a, "There are only three types of story" generalize. I usually don't like to do that, but for the sake of entertainment and perhaps my forever increasing curiosity, I sometimes do little experiments.

So what if there were only three types of mistakes? Ones where you hurt yourself, ones where you hurt someone else, and ones where you both get hurt. (You can be plural, and hurt can mean broken) If no one/ nothing gets hurt / broken, then it wasn't a mistake. I don't think.

"Learn from your mistakes"---> what does that mean!? I always thought it meant DON'T MAKE YOUR MISTAKES AGAIN. Didn't you think that? Isn't that what it means? Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe it really mean modify your approach.

Try something, and when it doesn't work, and something gets broken and you plural gets hurt, sit down, snap some pencils in half, and figure out what you are going to do next time. So maybe the Learn From Your Mistakes has been telling us all the right thing after all! But does anyone else get the feeling that most people think it means don't make your mistakes again?

Hmm?

Oh, by the way. I'm doing an experiment. I feel like the more I sleep, the more tired I get. So... if I give UP sleep, think I'll have more energy? haha There is only one way to find out! This could be very interesting. It might not last very long. Maybe not even past 4 am. haha

So what am I trying to say today? This morning?

There is a BIG giant hot burning scalding scary red inferno element sitting in the middle of Life. That's where all the bad feelings and the broken insides and the smashed vases and silly secrets and confuzzled minds all have big sleepovers every night. Although its scary, its quite intriguing. And if we were afraid of touching it, and burning ourselves, we'd never know what it was like to be happy. Hush Sound Says" Without the sour, the sweet wouldn't taste"

If we were afraid to hurt, we could never feel the totally opposite end of the spectrum. Don't go around seeking pain, and "mistakes" whatever they are. But also don't hesitate to embrace the sleepover invitation. You've got to know how to deal with the burn if you ever want to fully appreciate the healthy. You've gotta heal, after the burn, and you've gotta stay burn free before you try and touch any elements.

Okay. Finishing off...

We are all going to hurt. No matter what. But we are all going to be happy and feel like nothing could ever ever bring us done ever again. And sometimes we'll feel neutral, and not particularly bothered, or excited. Figure out where you are, where you've been and play out a few scenes of where you might be going.

Question everything, and refuse to accept anything just because someone says it's so.

Meet 2am, my buddy. He makes for interesting conversation sometimes.

Okay, I'm not crazy... I don't actually talk to my clock or anything. lol But when it's late, early? (I never know) and when you just let go of day time for a little bit, maybe its the lack of sleep? Or maybe it's something to do with jupiter and the moon aligning with mars and venus's moon. Whatever it is, find the time, or the place, or the person who have to be with, in order to stir up something inside of you.

Don't be idle. But don't forget to rest.

Anything else I can confuse you with today? :)

EVERYTHING you say matters.

If anyone EVER tells you otherwise. Kick them. or something. YOU, each and EVERY SINGLE human on this planet has an equal and VALUABLE opinion. Don't forget it. Don't ever forget it. YOU MATTER. Okay? I promise. You do.

I just assume you know what I'm talking about. I do my best to generalize, so it makes sense to everyone. But you know? Maybe sometimes to understand something you've gotta let someone in. Don't just let them take you for face value. Let someone crawl underneath your skin and feel your heartbeat and watch your brain send little shockwave signals to all your muscles. Okay. what I'm about to say is really important. okay? Promise me you won't forget it. That's two promises already. lol. okay here it goes:

when someone invites you under their skin, when they start letting you feel their heartbeat and see their shockwave signals. you BETTER be wanting to be there. If you have ANY doubt about letting that person let you in. STOP RIGHT THERE. DON'T GO IN. THEY DON'T WANT YOU. okay? promise? If you let someone let you in, but you don't even care about anything on the inside? You're just going to HURT them. I promise. So don't go in. Cause once you've let someone in, and they've seen all the shockwaves and they've probably memorized your heart beats sporadic pattern, you aren't going to forget them. But if you let yourself fall into someone because you're bored, you might be able to find your way out. But how could you be THAT selfish? hmm? You just ripped a giant whole in that person you left.

I'm not editing this post, at all... so... I'll apologize in advance if I get all crazy ramble-like.

Summarized last bit: It's really hard to totally let someone into your life. And it's even harder to try and let them go.

I'm all over the place today.

It's important to be able to trust people. But you can't trust everyone. I mean, okay, lol, yes, you can trust most people. But you can't let EVERYONE inside of you. (is this whole INSIDE of you thing starting to sound sexual? haha cause its definitely not supposed to. just had to put that out there.) Okay. So, if you let everyone inside you, you're going to be so full you can't even walk. You can't get out of bed in the morning because you're so heavy. You'd become SO full of everyone that you completely forget which thoughts are yours, and which ones belong to someone else.

So you've gotta find That. One. mmhmm. That's right. I think there realistically is only room for one more person inside an entirely whole other person. So that's a big deal. And you probably spend at least half of your life looking for That. One.

But what if you find that one when you're fifteen? What if you find them when you're twelve? Or what if you spend 38 years looking until you finally find it? hmm?

I feel like I'm rolled up in an air-tight ziplock bag. And I'm trying to explain everything at once right now but I'm all squished up and sealed shut so I'm really not getting anywhere.

GAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

You ever just wanna stand on something really really tall? And just... throw your head back and yell and spin? Does anyone else ever want to do that? lol

People are so easily confused. I bet if you closed your eyes right now and fast forwarded through your entire day you could press pause at at least three still shots and all you could think was; "Wait, What?" Why is that happening? What did I do? Why isn't that me? Why aren't they saying this? Why did they say that instead? Why did they say nothing at all? Is it because of something I did? Am I thinking too much right now? Should I be saying this? What is going on?

Questions. Questions. Questions. every time you ask a question you are confused. not like, dazed and stupid. But you are inquisitive? bad word. uh... when you ask a question (okay, I guess when I ask a question, this is whats going on in my mind, lol I don't really have any clue what happens in your head when you ask a question)

When I ask a question. I'm weighing out all the options for response. I'm like "hmm... well, they could say this, and when they said that, I could respond with this, and if they answered this way it would make what they said earlier make complete and total sense"

But. It's no fun trying to script out every moment. Because you (I) like it the most when something you didn't think could ever happen does. Thats what makes you (me) happy. Being caught off guard, without having time to think. You (I) do best, when I don't have time to use your (my) head.

Because for me (maybe you?) my head is what gets me into trouble. When I do the things I do, I don't think. Not the way I usually do. When I dance, or sing, or play piano or whatever it is I'm doing, I don't think about options. I don't worry about responses. I just DO. And thats when I feel most... me. When I can forget about my head.

So what happens when the person supposed to be giving advice doesn't even have any of her own to take?

Do What You Like. Like What You Do.

Today I came to a very unfortunate realization. I have to go to school. There isn't any getting out of it. I have to sit in a desk for six hours a day and copy definitions out of textbooks. Hmm. Okay. I am done being bitter. I love school! Ha, I actually do, I promise. Work is fun! And I LIVE to learn. LIVE. The school environment is just really hard for me. Which is weird, because you wouldn't think so, cause I get high marks. Maybe I just have a really boring semester. I hope thats it. I don't think it was this hard last year? Not work hard. Mentally hard. lol I can't focuss on overheads for six hours. I CAN'T DO IT!!

But. I have to. and I'm over the fact that I don't really want to. I could (and might) continue to complain. But it will no longer take up my life. There are 24 hours in a day. Everyone has to go to school, make the most of it. Stop complaining all day about 1/4 of your time. Take advantage of the repetition to ease your mind so you can fully utilize it out of class! I love school. I promise. I do.

Anyways. Moving on. The way I see "IT" (today's "it" which doesn't have a title yet) okay. The way I see it, it seems the genereal feeling is when you're fifteen, you're five years away from being twenty. But when you're twenty, you're not thiry five. So, why the heck would you wait around until you become something that isn't another!? Am I making sense? When you're fifteen, don't think of yourself as not thirty five, and five years away from being twenty. BE FIFTEEN!! THINK FIFTEEN! Stop enabling yourself until this thing called "the future" picks you up and makes everything better. We all know today was last years future, that's common knowledge! So stop striving for something you can't conquer. You can't saddle time. lol You just can't do it. So get over it. Go to school. haha jk. Well, I'm not just kidding.... okay never mind.

Don't be afraid of commitment, and don't be afraid of change. Don't say something just because someone wants to hear it. You'll get bored of that, and they will too. You can set rules, and make boundaries, just so you both know how far you know you can't go, but secretly want to. Risk sounding ridiculous, or you'll tire them out, and never get to say what you really mean.

I do best when I let my guard down. I am the most me when I'm walking down the street singing and dancing and being the sort of strange girl people learn to love. This is getting hard. Before I get too personal, I'll relate this to a life lesson. haha That's my secret: when something starts eating away at you, turn it into a world wide feast. It's not a a very nice secret. Don't do it. Don't generalize your stories okay? You definitley need to be aware of the general-ness and "life lessons" that are out there, but you're supposed to take these general things and make them specific to you. I need to learn that. I'm slowly learning.

Anyways. Maybe today we can all take some risks and sound ridiculous for the greater good. lol Or maybe for ourselves.

Whatever you do. Learn something, go to school, be you. do what YOU like, and like what you DO.