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98.6% of my entire body longs for fantastical adventure.

So.... I watched Avatar the other day....

I don't know about you guys, but when I watch movies like this, I get really into it. I don't think it's a story while I'm watching, I become totally enthralled and literally I become part of the action. Who wouldn't want to plug their pony tail into a kick-butt dragon and fly around floating mountains? Like actually? That's number one on my bucket list.

Gaaahh.... Leaving the theater I'm proud to say I wasn't just completely shattered when the fact that until society advances into super-techno mode, and we discover Pandora (that's the place where Avatar happened for those of you who haven't seen it yet), we're all stuck here on earth (unless your an astronaut) became clear in my mind. I mean, obviously I was pumped, cause the movie was intense and ridiculous and just so amazing, but instead of making me feel sad because I didn't have that sort of life-threatening action in my life, I felt excited to fight my own earthly and perhaps much less interesting and definitely safer battles.

Which I suppose sounds pretty lame.

gurgle. swish. don't swallow; spit.

My aunt is my dentist, everyone thinks that's weird. haha. So, I've come to the conclusion I am the most indecisive person on the planet. But, cutting myself a little slack, maybe that means I'm the BEST pros and cons person out there. I'm also unfortunately disabled in the department of taking my own advice. I severely lack any of that skill. Which is quite unfortunate. Oh, wondering about the whole "gurgle. swish. don't swallow; spit"? it's today's life lesson. It doesn't have anything to do with dental hygiene. You can think (gurgle) and edit (swish) anything you want. But don't keep anything inside (swallow) express it (spit). How much more can I emphasize this point? Do you ever think about something you wish you said in a previous conversation? You can picture everything about the situation, and you replay yourself saying what you wish you had over and over again. Of course, I know it's rare you ever come up with the things you want to say in the moment. It's usually the night after when you're going to bed still thinking about it. But still, there are a few times where you have something ready, but you swallow it. Cause you're scared. I get scared a lot, I'm the first to admit it. Maybe I'm just rambling about this so I can get it into my own head. Sometimes you want someone to say that perfect line you've written for them so you can respond with your late-night-scripted perfect answer. Conversations aren't perfect. That's what makes them so interesting and fun to be involved with. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and go and write my history exam. haha. and all day I'm going to spit. I won't swallow a single thing. I'll let you know how it goes. Gah. Alright, focusing. I'm have trouble relating this to a general life lesson. Today, MY life lesson is to suck it up and spit. You can try it if you want, but it might possibly cause more damage than it helps a situation. But when you spend a lot of time swallowing, especially in the presence of the same specific people, or person...., you suddenly have a lot of stuff to spit, and a lot less room to swallow. So... try and find the balance between swallowing and spitting. Don't go around telling people you hate their sweaters, but if you really love them, let them know. There.

naive. curious. surprisingly profound?

The issue isn't necessarily directly YOU. It's just that fluffy cloud of irresistible-ness that oozes out of every word you say, and every action you take. It's not your fault, but it's not really my fault either, is it?

Anyways.

What's new in my life? Early last week (it's been a while, I know, but exams are right around the corner of this calendar week and it's been taking a toll on my witty fingers. ha.) anyways, early last week I had a bit of a break down thinking about the rest of my life. I was thinking about France (the exchange I'm going on next year) and how it was going to mess with my schedule. I had to sudden need to know what the game plan was for the next few years. (roughly) So I peaced out of first period and booked an appointment with student services. (well actually I was first told to go back to class because you're not allowed to make appointments during class time, but I went back between first and second)

So, pretty much, I've decided the first attempt at post secondary school is going to be Ryerson university. I'll get my undergrad there (four years in film study) and then head to UCLA of theater film and television. I'll do the graduate program and get a masters degree in production and directing.

I think that it is important, as I've stated before, to not forget about the present but simultaneously not ignoring the future. I realize I change my mind a lot. People tell me every day that I should stop trying to plan for the future. Why would I not take every opportunity to prepare myself?

When bad things happen, or ANYthings happen for that matter, don't tell yourself that you won't remember they way it made you feel tomorrow. That sounded confusing. Okay, has anyone ever told you "it's not the end of the world?" or "it's not like this will matter ten years from now, or even tomorrow" ? When something happens to you, and you FEEL like it's the end of the world, it is. Right there, in that moment, something inside of you has crumbled into a pile of irrevocable rubble. (I'm not sure I technically used 'irrevocable' correctly in that sentence. but deal with it)

You have to learn to face matters full and head on. If you always think about not feeling anything in the future, eventually you will no doubt completely desensitize yourself from feeling anything in the present. That means not only would you be numb to any pain, but you always wouldn't be able to LAUGH! How awful would that be?

If you're sad, cry. If you're happy, smile. If you're angry, scream into your pillow. If you're lonely, surround yourself with people who love you. Do NOT wait for tomorrow to come and make you feel better. Eventually, there isn't going to be a tomorrow to suffer through today for. So don't make today a waste of waiting for tomorrow!

Gah. Trust me. Letting things brew in the frosty air of things you should do or say or explain is not the way to go. Don't fear the answers you don't want. Seek honesty.

Let yourself FEEL.

extreme.intense.serious.

Happy Tuesday everybody!

Yesterday I made a promise to myself to fight battles in order to makes memories and express myself.

Today I came to terms with my father. It's been a pretty touchy subject for the past few years, to be completely honest. To sum it all up, first you must understand that I love and respect my father more than you could even attempt to comprehend (yes I realize I just said, in order to understand you must attempt to understand something incomprehensible... but whatever) Anyways, John Irving did a pretty good job of describing the situation in his book "A Prayer for Owen Meany"

it's on page 238 of the balantine books version of it

"She simultaneously worshiped and despised her father, who was a terrible snob and regaled Maureen with both undeserved praise and a staggering list of his expectations for her; at the very least, she would one day have her doctorate- and if she were to indulge in her fantasy, and become a movie star, she would make her reputation only after numerous triumphs in "legitimate" theater."

of course, it's not completely accurate... but at least you understand a small fraction of the relationship between me and my dad

Anyways, after several stupid arguments over the past few weeks something big finally blew up, and we both got hurt in the blast. But for the first time (after driving home and blasting the Killers preparing myself for complete surrender) I walked up to him and held my entire world in my hands.

I was completely honest. I told him what he needed to know, and he was honest to me in return. It's amazing what honesty can do. Don't assume people understand what you think of them. You may feel like you do everything in your power to make them feel how you are trying to make them, when a simple ACTION might just do the trick. For me, a complete word-worm, it's hard to understand an ACTION could have more meaning to someone than a shoveled-from-the-bottom-of-your-heart confession. Dr. Suess once said "Life's a great balancing act" and today's life lesson is honoring that.

For every word-worm in a room, there is an "actions speak louder than words" guy. Realize and embrace this. Also know, there are 750 billion different types of people, some more difficult to distinguish. So tonight I'm going to bed knowing what side of the "great balancing act" I'm wavering on.

By EXPRESSING my concern and opinion I worked through a conflict. You can do the same. I promise.

blogging is hard! xD

I've always wanted to be completely fluent in a section of specialized jargon. I've thought about maybe sailor jargon, how cool would that be? Or super technical and scientific jargon (is it offensive to call science terms jargon?) or even just internet jargon (how many times have I said jargon in the last 10 seconds?) haha.

Anyways. What's new in my life? I went to see Sherlock Holmes last night. I love movies. I really do. It was super cool, the way it was all so dark and shadow-y. It was filmed in London, and I heart London. yeah, I heart it.

Life lessons....

Do not talk about ANYTHING at a cafeteria table. If possible, avoid them all together. You know when you're sitting there, sippin on your mystery soup of the day? and you can hear that loser two tables up babbling on about something you probably shouldn't be listening to? It's funny right? Well, maybe, but it sucks when that rambling fool turns into you. Highschool drama sucks, especially when you're involved in it.

other life lesson.... EXPRESS YOURSELF. I don't think there is anything worse than living in the shadow of what "could've" or "should've" or even "might" or "maybe" have happened. You live life one day at a time, one microsecond ticking after each and every microsecond. You have big dreams, and little dreams. Please don't be afraid of the big ones. I read in a book last Friday... something along the lines of don't be afraid of big dreams that will take time to complete because "the time will pass anyway"

bam.

five words. That is SO true! It makes SENSE doesn't it? You always feel silly making these big life plans with 100 and 50 thousand steps, and you know it will take forever to complete. But life is forever, but life DOES pass. Am I making sense? Probably not. But that sentence did. It really made me think.

Also, I was talking with my friend (what should HIS codename be? wicked awesome deadly? WAD? lol... my math teacher use to say that... ahahah, it doesn't sound very pleasant. wad.. ) anyways, me and WAD were just talking about life, and for the purpose of this entry it doesn't matter how it came up in conversation :P but he said... something along the lines of... "I know, people there are no fun. They complain about how there is nothing to do, but they don't DO anything about it"

bam.

more than five words, but still a very powerful statement. and again, so TRUE. People DO complain about anything and everything, and it's very seldom, however small the action they take, that they choose to take any action at all.

so I was thinking pretty hard the other day about "time passing" and "doing anything" about it. sorry for all the quotations ... and I realized that it's too easy to fall into habit. Go to sleep. Wake up. Brush your teeth. Go to school. Get yelled at for something or another. Eat Lunch. Avoid Caf tables. (haha) and fragment after boring fragment. I don't want to fall into the habit of routine-ing my time away. Every day is a new day, and it is our responsibility to distinguish each Tuesday from the other. We should all be going to bed satisfied that we could write a three page recount of the previous day. And not have it full of bullshit, or the word "chillin'"

My new task, officially, is to make sure I have one note-worthy event for everyday I wake up. I'm going to document it, maybe take a picture? or at least have a quote. (tying this back to where this point came from) I have to EXPRESS some sort of emotion. I refuse to live in routine. (mindless routine) I'm not going to stop brushing my teeth, don't worry.... But, you know? It's awful how an entire week can go by and you can't even comment on something that made you laugh.

so... tying this back more clearly to where the original point was. I'm going to make sure I EXPRESS MYSELF everyday. I will not let routine rule me, and I will take risks and fight battles in order to make memories.

I've ventured off on several different tangents... but hopefully the main point is clear.

Don't go to bed until you know you've done something different than yesterday. Make sure you can tell yourself that you took each opportunity that presented itself into careful and serious consideration before disregarding or responding to it. Live in the moment, don't ignore the micro-seconds, and at the same time don't forget about the bigger picture. Remember time WILL pass, but don't let it pass passively. EXPRESS each moment with extreme passion. Because there is no such thing as re-living. You can re-visit and re-experience, but once ten billion microseconds are gone, they aren't coming back.

LIVE LIFE TO THE UTMOST FULLEST. NO EXCUSES OR DOCTOR'S NOTES ACCEPTED.

:)

just general life

I have this theory that good books are all hidden between the covers that bind them, in the sale section of a bookstore, or behind bad reviews. The truth of a good book is that you really can't make a judgment of it until you've actually taken the time to read it yourself. Everything about a good book discourages you, that's why half the satisfaction of finishing a book is knowing that you found it.

Good example: I was in Chapters yesterday (with uber cool) and we were looking for cool books, like life inspiring. So we found this one called Living in the Moment. The cover was a gross turquoise-y colour and the font was too boxy to be anywhere near appealing. The back just had praise from a few newspapers and magazine's neither of us had never heard of, and the inside cover talked about something that failed to catch our attention. But we opened the book anyways, and we started reading.

And it was good. It was really good.

Why do all the good books hide? Why does anything hide? I think it's a sort of filter, or a lesson. A good book is like a good friend and a good friend has a story.

This is awesome!! OMG! I haven't slept in like three days!! WOOOHOOO ..... uhh.... uh oh... guys? I don't feel so good ......

Well.... any previous comment that jet lag is fun is revoked. Jet lag sucks. Jet lag is horrible.... jet lag is .... potentially a little humerus?
So I lolled around yesterday, not exactly doing anything productive (and just when I'd started I'd been interrupted... and then again, and then I eventually had an excuse... I mean something important came up, and I had to leave the house)and I was feeling okay, a little peculiar, but I just blamed it on lack of sleep and left.
I got home around 6:30 and my friend didn't get off work until 8:00 so I thought that by setting my alarm for 8:05 I would have enough time to wake up and be gung ho for the evening. Oh, ps. no one is home, and I don't like that very much. So I leave the lights on, I don't even go under the blankets, I just lie on top of by bed.
Sleep didn't take long to come. I was out so quickly I only vaguely remember my mom coming home and thinking that it was okay for me to sleep through my alarm, because well... when my friend came I would have to be woken up to go get him at the door.
Anyways, I slept through the alarm, and no one woke me up to go get him. Have you ever been told not to wake a sleep walker? I guess, in his defense, I wasn't walking... I was just sort of standing in my room. (At least from what he's told me) I was still dead out cold and had NO idea what was going on. I think I'd been dreaming he had come upstairs, but then I wasn't actually dreaming about him, just about the stuff around him.
So here's my friend, trying to ask me if I'm okay, because I look sick and I'm not even speaking in real words, and there's me: fumbling around my bedroom trying to figure out what was going on.
I really don't remember him coming up stairs. I remember him being there but there were streamers all over, hanging from the ceiling... but there were no streamers when I came home so... I MUST have been out of it.
Continuing. So he keeps asking me if I'm okay; "Steph, are you okay?". And I'm really upset about something, which is why I guess he thought I was sick. I finally manage to gain a small fraction of conciseness and stumble over the words, "Your present!"
"I know!" he said. "That's what we're doing!"
I just got back from Egypt a couple days ago (hense the jet lag) and I'd gotten him some stuff for Christmas... or maybe I got it just because it's automatically a cool gift because it's form Egypt. Anyways. I hand him the unwrapped stuff and he graciously works through the little pile.
It was a pretty cool little haul, I must say. But there were no shiny yellow Tonka trucks or remote control mouses or whatever guys remember ever getting for Christmas. But there WAS a story behind each object! I then proceeded to become more upset because I couldn't remember the stories behind the present! And I thought, well, the gift is already 50% cool because it's from Egypt... but what about the other 50%? The meaning behind each little trinket.
By the end of the night I had managed to explain sort of what the stories were, but I'll have to really make sense of it for him sometime today. Because the stories are good. :)
I'm eventually conscious enough to get into the vehicle and leave my house behind. I'm apologizing for my strange behavior and he's telling me what I'd been doing, but I really still wasn't 100% there.
We get to our destination and say hello. They start making pizza and I take a seat at one of the super cool chairs in my super cool friend's house. Actually. She's amazing. Like I said before, I'm new to this whole blogging thing (and someone told me video blogging is VLOGGING not video... logging or what ever I said before)and I don't know if you're supposed to use real names? Cause... I used MY real name, and I guess the two people who will actually read this are probably the two people who have been referred to as "my friend" or "my super cool friend".
Back on topic. I don't remember why I'm there. I have a glass of water, and I'm just watching them get the pizza ready and suddenly I realize it's not an earth quake, my stomach is just under attack. I get sick a lot. All the time. It sucks. But I don't really make I big deal about it, because I'm used to it. So I lock my self in the bathroom and try to control my militarily abused insides. Usually cold water helps.
I also shake a lot, usually when I'm sick, which is usually. So we all go sit by the fireplace in the super cool downstairs. The warmth eases the shaking. Normal (GAH why am I using that word?) people would go home if they feel sick right? Okay, maybe I should just break it to you now so we don't have to discuss it later. If there was a way to describe a stereotypical teenager as three things (angsty, smart-ass, broody) my super cool friends and I would probably be insane, out of control and super. So, we aren't stereotypical teenagers. Or people. We're us. That's all.
So the way I was looking at it was, I could go home and be sick there, or I could stay with my super cool friends in her super cool basement and watch a really lame movie. It hurt to move. I think the combination of not sleeping for three days and being on this artificial high that I must be finally turning into a vampire and if I don't need sleep, why do I need food?! EDWARD HERE I COME. ha. just joking. Anyways, maybe the fact I hadn't slept was making me so sick I couldn't eat had something to do with the whole dream like state I was still in.
I could only sort of answer questions, and they could say stuff about fire breathing dragons and I would just nod my head and try not to move anything else for fear of pain.
Their pizza concoction... which had stuffing on it (super cool friend's dad's idea) actually got pretty good reviews. I sat on the couch, unmoving. We watched King Pin, which is totally not appropriate and highly disturbing and parts but still guiltily a little funny. I fell asleep.
'My friend'... my unnamed friend. (why am I making such a big deal about the no names?) drove me home. We'd all managed to have a good time, we always do, but it sucks because super cool goes to school out of town. I'd also managed to remain such a stillness that I hadn't actually had to give in to the raging war my insides were fighting. I was finally probably 93% there by the time I got out of the car.
Walking up three flights of stairs doesn't count as stillness. Gah. My insides finally won before I made it back to my bedroom, and there was an open present on my bed. You rock friend. Your new code name can be uber cool. I hope super cool doesn't mind that you get uber in your code name. Sometime after my delirious attempt at explaining his trinkets, he'd given me something. I sort of remember opening it, and he had said something when I left the car, like "do you remember what you opened before you left?" but I really hadn't until I saw it right in front of me.
The moral of this story is to not fight jet lag. When you get home at 1 am after a full 24 hours of plane flights, go to bed. I don't care how awake you are. Go to bed. Stay in bed. Maybe eat something...
But it's times in life when we fight our instincts and we ignore advice that we make memories. Jet lag sucks, yes. Friends are worth everything? Double yes. I fell asleep listening to the XX cd my uber cool friend got for me, even though I freaked the heck out of him by being woken out of my sleep-standing? Triple yes.

One step at a time.... or two

I keep a journal, and I make an effort to write everyday. This morning (around 3am, I'm severely jet lagged and have been awake for.... too many hours to count) while I was filtering through my word documents I found this one. It was saved as "me". I wrote it sometime in September 09. I think this is the very best description of myself I've ever come up with. When I talk with people (not to) they sometimes strike a nerve, which isn't difficult because as a recorder of life ( / writer) I'm naturally a very nervous person. Anyways, there are a couple people in my life, a select few, who I enjoy participating in verbal battles. I don't remember the context in which I spewed this dissection, but I remember who it was to.

Me:

I’m like, well… the very core essence of my being, is like a coiled spring, or mass compressed ball of untamable energy. And, as a human, I can't show anyone my insides… obviously, But everyday I live with them inside me and they are scratching and tickling the inside layers of my skin trying to get out, but that’s not humanly acceptable right? Who would talk to someone with springs coming out their ears and fire hot energy bursting out of every pore? So I have to find outlets, to secretly uncoil the spring and release the energy, to give my skin a rest, you know? It’s tough holding all that inside of one little person. So I found writing, but I stopped writing for other people and started writing only for myself, so I had to take a break from that, then, dance, but it’s hard to get noticed, and, maybe I forgot to mention this, but this energy ball, the only way its satisfied is with other peoples satisfaction, so I have to please myself so I stay sane but I have to be satisfying someone else’s needs at the same time. So, you know? It’s straining.

It's a new year, a fresh start. Let's get serious.

Well. It's 2010. I'll be half way through high school in less than six months. I'm just another fifteen year old girl with big dreams. 2010 is a solid number. It's going to be a solid year. The main purpose, or... I suppose, the reason I'm starting this, is so I can put a link on an application I'm filling out. I'm going to be posting a lot of my writing, most of it a few years old, but some more recent. Almost none of it is finished, but that's where you come in.
I'm sort of making this up as I go along. I'm not into the whole video blogging (logging?) thing, reading and writing is a different way of engaging in thought. Watching and listening, although presumably effective, is perhaps a little less intellectual?
I like making things up. I like talking with people (not to them, I hate talking TO people, I much prefer a double sided conversation) and working their words into my creations. I don't know how this whole blogging thing works, really I have no clue. But, maybe with some sort of feedback I could start working on a big project? Maybe all these unfinished tidbits are just in need of a little push?
Some of it's poetry, some of it is just thoughts scribbled down. A lot of the stuff I'm going to post is super personal, and every word actually means something, but I'm probably not going to tell you what. It might be frustrating, but life is, so.... so there.
Maybe I'll just end up blogging like a normal blogger.... is blogging normal? What is normal? I really hate that word. I'm probably going to end up ranting a lot. I'm very goal orientated and not very good and following rules. English rules. My paragraph structure is probably jaw-drappingly awful and gob-stopperingly difficult to chew.
But alas, I continue to write. I'm not concerned, yet, where this is exactly going, I'm sure I will start to figure things out. Maybe that's my goal; to set a goal. To figure things out. How long do I have, a year? One month?
The application is due on the seventh of February but I have a sneaky suspicion this ab-normal blogging tick is going to stick with me.
Hopefully I don't get limes disease. Or carpol tunnel.
Ps. I can't spell, but I love words.
I love life.

PPS. I do not want to die and be buried in a little grave in a town no one has heard of. I want to inspire greatness. I want people to know who I am. I want to have respect and in turn distribute my passion across the entire world.

I want to start fires in everyone's soul. I want every single person in the world to find the thing that drives them every morning out of bed. The passion, the fire, the meaning. I want to give to the world. I want to make things make sense... to everyone, especially me. I want to learn about everything.

I get carried away and excited sometimes. My passion is expression. What's yours?