You Should, sometimes.

Why is it that just when you think you start to have a hold on things that other things start falling apart? Just when everything finally begins to make sense, you lose your mind. Why does it happen to me all the time?

Blah!

Happy summer guys! :) I hope the sun is treating you nice.

Do things drive you crazy? Are there some things you know you shouldn't do, but you do anyway? I don't mean illegal like smashing windows or stealing or anything. I mean... just a shouldn't, I can't tell you my example, because I shouldn't have done it. I shower in shouldn'ts. But maybe I don't believe in shouldn't anymore.

Why not?

That's my new thing maybe. I shouldn't do this, why not? well, I know why, and I bet you know why you shouldn't do YOUR shouldn'ts too. But why not? I read a caption on a picture (I know that's so lame haha but sometimes they are good) and it was something along the lines of "don't say sorry for what you feel, it's like saying sorry for being real"

and, I like that. I like it a lot. i think it's 18675883% true. Why SHOULD we be scared of shouldn'ts? hmm? i shouldn't say this.... I shouldn't have hit send on that.

I don't care if you shouldn't. If you don't go after what you want, and you hide behind what you should, you're never going to get as far as you can. Take a risk. Don't hide behind shouldn't. It is easy to say I shouldn't, it's a lot harder to say I did it.

And "I did it" is so much better than "Oh, well, I shouldn't"

You have to make yourself happy. You have to make other people happy too, that is important. I put other people before me all the time, and it's not bad, not all the time. Just don't forget about yourself, you matter just as much as all those guys you put before you. okay? Promise. You matter.

So. Life lesson today is get rid of the shouldn'ts. Not all of them. Some things you really just shouldn't do. And you and I both know that, I'm not always being painfully literal. You shouldn't tell your mom she has failed you as a parent if she won't drive you to your friends house, even if you feel like she has. I'm not talking about those kinds of shouldn'ts, I'm talking about the things you think about saying, and then get scared too.

the: "I've never been in love before" 's. and.... woah, I mean I guess you have no way of knowing what just happened. But I almost backspaced that. Because in my head I thought "Well, I shouldn't."

Don't go crazy. But don't let the shouldn'ts drive you nuts. Sometimes you should.

Don't say sorry for being real, because it's like saying sorry for being real.

And realness is what I think we should all be striving for. No robots, right? You know that.

Happy July 16th.

Don't think too far ahead, you'll ruin the present if you focus on the future. Shouldn'ts are all about consequence. But if you're terrified of consequence, you're scared of life. If you're scared of living? You've gotta..... do something about that.

So I guess the life lesson is, find out why you feel like you shouldn't. Know consequence, but don't be scared of it. Everything has consequences. But maybe think about it like every action has a reaction right? blah blah blah we've all heard that before. But really, consequences are reactions to actions. If you don't take action, there will be no reaction.

If there is no reaction? there's no life.

Everything is reacting to something. You can't stop it. No stopping consequence, no stopping feeling. Some things just are, even if they shouldn't be.

sleep tight everyone, I'm going upstairs.

To be continued

Hey. < have you ever noticed how periods make you seem pissed? (lol. ha.) I don't like them. lol

I'm not pissed. Have I talked about the word "hate" yet? Proably not, since it's been six years since I've actually said anything. We had this presentation at our school, a long time ago, and this woman came in to speak to us about... life? She is a holocaust survivor and she told us about her experiences and such. And she talked about hate.

I used to say hate all the time. ughhh guys I HATE when you do that, gross.... I HATE bugs. Really, I said hate, a lot.

After this presentation... I don't say hate anymore. (okay... I do, but it's usually followed by a "WAIT! I don't say hate anymore")

I can't really explain what this woman said. But, she cried, in front of an entire gym filled with stupid high school kids. And not a single stupid highschool kid was laughing, or making a stupid joke. Every single stupid highschool kid sitting in a stupid plastic chair was watching this woman, and every single one of us was FEELING. This woman, I'm terrible I don't remember her name, but this woman was explaing hate to us. I can't do what she did, but if you heard her talk about hate, you would feel the little squirmish feeling I get every time I say it. Everytime I say it I can see her, on stage, crying, and I can see the gym, and all the kids, and I can hear the quiet-ness that the gym had.

I want to make people feel like she did. Like... how she made the kids feel, I don't want people to go through what she did.

Do you ever feel like everything was better before? Bike's were way nicer, microphones were big and silver and wicked. And if we go way back.... us girls got to wear ridiculous dresses and carry little umbrellas around and guys had to wear cute little jackets? And it was a big deal if someone wanted to hold your hand? Does anyone else miss that? Maybe you can't technically miss anything you've never had, but, I do. I miss a lot of things I've never had.

I wish I could time travel.

hahahah on the literacy test this year one of the questions was asking us what out ideal career would be. And I wrote about being a time traveler, really, I did.

Stop it. Now Go. (old post)

There is a brick wall in between my brain and my fingers. I'm trying to get the message that's stuck up there down in this little box I'm typing in, but it's not working. I've tried over and over and over again.

Words are so hard.

I feel hollow today. (Emma I hope you notice I used that word again :P) Like someone snuck up on me last night with a big spoon and snacked on my indies. Cause there's nothing left today. Nothing is wrong, and I'm not sad, just hollow.

Hollow isn't a nice feeling, and there is no reason why you should have to feel it. Do you know the hollow feeling I'm talking about?

I promise that you're good enough, even if you're not. You don't have to be THE best to be YOUR best, and YOUR best IS the best, and the THE best doesn't exist.

Teekly Wip.

It's been about a month? Unacceptable. It's definitely NOT because I don't have anything to say. It could have something to do with how much I've been thinking though. Bad Steph, not enough spit! Too much swish and gurgle. Sigh.

Alrighty. So. Setting goals is good, mostly because achieving them is better. So... this is big. Make sure you're sitting down. I'm going to make sure I update this blog thing of mine weekly. HUGE GASP! I know. Terrifying, right? Wrong! I believe that by the end of every week I will have something to say. I'm setting a goal. When you set goals, things get done.

I like telling you guys (whoever you may be) the titles of the posts I don't publish... such as "Girls are dumb... and good friends are hard to understand" and "There isn't always a rule book, and not everything comes with instructions." I like the last one, I'll probably end up talking about it in this one....

Maybe I should just start actually talking? Instead of talking about talking? Okay.

Hmmm.... I don't know how long this one is going to be. I think too much. It sucks sometimes. Thinking is good, but sometimes I envy those who are oblivious. Not that I believe anyone is completely and totally oblivious... except... okay never mind.

I think that I will post this one. And then come back in ten seconds and do a real one. This is just an update. Oh, The teekly wip thing? That's stolen from Sunjay Nath, a super cool awesome speaker. You should check out his website ... http://www.sunjaynath.com/ and subscribe to his "teekly wip" and you should also go hear him speak if you can. He's really awesome. Totally inspiring. His whole mixing up the words and the final sentence of the story (for those of you who've heard him, you know what I'm talking about) it just gets to me. Shivers. Choose your life, and you lose chife! (Chife= mad sad bad)

Okay. Sunjay rocks. I'll be back in ten seconds to tell you how life has been, what I've learned the past month, and what still and might always confuse my socks off.

There isn't always a rule book, and not everything comes with instructions. (old post)

It's all been done before. Sure it has. But none of us have done everything. Just because someone did it, doesn't mean you have. Everything happens to everyone for a first time. And everything, and everyone, and every time is specific.

Nobody anywhere can tell you how you feel, or how you should do something. It's our individual job to figure out what works for us. Making rules are scary, and when we don't have instructions, it's easy to just sit on your hands and wait for them. But you can't be afraid. If you sit on your hands forever they'll fall off, and then you won't be able to eat corn on the cob, or button your shirt.

Don't tell yourself that something isn't special, or that the way you feel is just programmed into humanity. Everything is original.

Untitled

Everyday is new, and nothing can be defined. I'm in this weird sort of mind set right now. Sometimes when I think, I go all nutso... and have to hold onto something solid so I don't float away.

It happens to me a lot. When you try to tell yourself that something doesn't matter, and then you sort of wonder what does? If this doesn't matter, how come that other thing does? You could think like that for ever. Eventually nothing would matter. Nothing DOES matter, unless you make it matter.

I think the whole point of.... us... of.... it, of, the big picture, is taking things that, being general, don't mean anything, and making them mean something. You can robot your way through life. You can, I do sometimes. But it sucks. Don't let that happen. It's really awful.

If you are anything like me, EVERYTHING matters. But if everything matters, then nothing does. You see where I'm going? We can't have everything all the time, because then we wouldn't be able to want anything and when we got something it wouldn't matter because we'd already have it.

The most important thing is to be present, and to not enable. In order to be real, you have to feel. Things go wrong sometimes, and you have to face that. You have to be honest. If you think that everything is just going to go away and when tomorrow comes you won't have to think about yesterday because it already happened and its out of your control, you need wake up. To really wake up.

If you tell yourself that something doesn't matter, and you don't let yourself feel, if you don't let anything matter, then you're going to turn into metal. We're all going to become robots. Do something different. Don't depend on routine.

I know the feeling that I get when I know something is important to me. I want everyone, everywhere, to be able to feel like that. Okay, now I'm going to contradict myself. I've said everything and I've said nothing matters. This might get confusing.

I'm trying to say that by taking every opportunity and every project and every person and every feeling, and thinking about it, and making it individual, we'll all feel better. By taking a minute, or 15, just to think, and to realize something, would help everyone out. If you don't think, you won't feel. If you don't feel, you won't live. And if you're not living.... you're dead.

I don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of dead people. That's gross. That's terrible. Especially, when we all have the potential to be alive. I'm not talking about breathing, I mean. REALLY alive.

So its our job, it's my job, and its YOUR job, to make things matter. Everything DOES matter. But saying that doesn't make it true. You've gotta take the time to think about things to make them real. You can turn everything into something. Just don't make everything nothing. DON'T ROBOT. Be real.

Say something. DO something. No robots. Okay?

You don't HAVE to do anything. I'm telling you right now that nobody can make you do anything. (Unless they tie strings to you or actually physically force you) You have to WANT to do it. No obligations, everything is choice. Don't freak out, even if its scary. WE control us. Because we ARE us.

Rambleramblerambleramble. Sorry.

Let your brain be active. See what happens.

Drown, and choke. (old post)

just kidding. that one's for Emily. Yeah, she rocks so much she gets to keep her real name.

So. In life, in everyone's life, in my life, and your life, and his life and her life, we want things. We want to KNOW things and FEEL things and we WANT. We KNOW we WANT to FEEL. Instead of always worrying what will happen and fretting over what ifs and perhaps-es. (I know that's not a word) Instead of... gurgling until you explode. say something.