a little sad, mostly sorry

Sometimes I have to read my own blog when I've had a bad day to make myself stop wallowing. I miss my boyfriend, boo. He'll be better soon.

Today I'm thinking a lot about people, I have been for a while now. Aren't people strange? I don't "hate" anyone, I really don't, some people annoy me, but I don't find anyone completely impossible to tolerable. Because I think "hating" people is unjustified. We shouldn't be able to "hate".

You know what I DO hate? Tough times and being forced to keep your mouth shut. That's rough.

I've been feeling sort of recycled lately. Like I'm the same old stuff, but different. I keep being put through machines that turn me into new things. I wake up and I'm a journalist, I go to sleep and I'm a teacher, then I dream about making movies.

To be honest I'm feeling quite lost. In an awkward... I really have no idea what is going on way. I'm floating, but not being robotic. I'm not in a routine, I'm just sort of dreaming life. I want to shake it off but it's really hard when what keeps you solid suddenly crumbles.

I got my hair cut, that's exciting.

I feel... inappropriate. Like I'm the triangle peg trying to fit into the circle hole. It's not that I want to conform, not that I want to change to fit, I'm just tired of having so much trouble resting. Maybe it's my city, maybe it's what's up, or maybe it's just my brain.

I'm bummed out. Worn down. Like... a dirty dishrag. Ready to be tossed.

Also, I have no idea what time it is? I'm in Florida but there was a daylight savings time switcharoo and I'm so confused. haha

Suggestions: If you find yourself in a similar slump take note that "unslumping yourself is not easily done" (that's dr. seuss) but it is necessary that you do it. Instead of dwelling, move on. Do something. Staying in a slump is as useless as serving sour milk at a dinner party. No one wants to be around you if you are in a slump. So suck it up. I know life is hard, but it doesn't matter what happens to us, it's all about how we react to it right?

There are two people in particular who I want to apologize to. Both who probably won't see this and even if they do, they won't do anything about it. I guess a lesson we all have to learn is that you really can't please everyone, and you can't keep everyone around. Well, at least I can't.

1st. I want to apologize to the person who listened to me read "Oh the Places You'll Go" and liked it just as much as I did. I miss you, and I want to be able to talk to you again. You understand how I float and dream in waking life, and I miss being able to float around with you. It scares me how much sense you make. I'm really sorry. Maybe one day we can talk again.

2nd. You're the first person who asked me to be their girlfriend, and I told you to drive me home. Thanks for driving me home. Thanks for picking me up. Thanks for letting me be upset, then comforting me and just the right time that last drive. I miss you too. But I think everyone knows you're one of those people who it's best for me to just stay away from. I hate you so much (haha). But in the best ways. You're pretty sweet for such a douchebag. lol just kidding about the douchebag part... Thanks for the flowers at my play. Thanks for the blanket. I'm sorry. Maybe one day we can talk again.

and actually 3rd...

To all my friends. I'm sorry that somehow real-life communication is somehow excruciatingly difficult for me. Writing is just so much more natural. I know this sucks. Thanks for putting up with me. I hope we still talk.

I forget how to blog

I find myself becoming more and more critical of my own words as I imagine people I don't know reading them. My hesitation to submit is frustrating both you and me. How am I going to ever be a journalist if I choke up everytime I think about a stranger judging something of mine? Writing is so personal to me. Letting my writing be read, letting my words be heard is like standing naked in the middle of a high school cafeteria. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

Call it Quits

Call it quits, no one cares.
Park in no-zones; pay the fares.

Eat so much you swallow air.

Drink a coffee, have a tea.
Chug your spirit.

Don’t lean on me.

Do your homework, read the books.
Sink your love in like a hook.

But don’t touch me.

Not Selfish, Real.

I can't control you. No sir, no mam. I can only attempt to control myself. If you piss me off, I'm probably going to do something about, something that probably doesn't involve confronting you. I don't really like to confront things, I like to let them go. But it drives me absolutely NUTS when people don't confront me. Like, I'm sorry, but if you have a problem with me why don't you just say it to my face? Hmm? Or you can just delete me off facebook and wait till I notice.

And it's really funny that it pisses me off, because that's exactly what I do. But, I shouldn't have to be the one to apologize, should I? And then especially if I add you back and you accept and then you just delete me again. Jesus!

Is this facebook thing a metaphor for something deeper? NO! I'm just fricken pissed off that I've been deleted! lol

Sorry.

Anyways, today I'm going to talk about feelings and getting hurt and friendships and what exactly they mean. It's not my fault if you thought I was something else. I don't have to prove anything to you. It's your fault for misjudging. Right? I don't have to live my life trying to please you or make you feel how you want me to make you feel. And that's not me being selfish, that's me being real.

Don't tell me I lied to you when I didn't.

Don't tell me I don't deserve what I want.

Becase that's not fair. I never said you didn't deserve what you wanted. I never yelled at you or threw books accross a classroom because you weren't behaving how I wanted you to. I respect you, all of you, for who and what you are. Everyone gets angry, everyone gets sad, everyone gets scary sometimes too. It makes no difference to me.

So how dare you somehow make it my fault you didn't win. That's not my job. I don't have to let you have anything. I'm me, all me, and all me is mine, and I can share whatever I want of me with whoever I chose. I don't owe you anything. And you don't owe me anything either.

Apologies are important, and we should value them, especially if they are sincere. If I say I'm sorry, I mean it. So listen when I say it. I'm sorry, really. I'm sorry even though it's not my fault. It's so stupid to be angry with someone for being. Just being. You're pretty much mad at me for existing.

I can disappear. I can run away. But I like to think we both have enough decency to wave goodbye.

But tell me to fuck off. If it makes you feel any better you go right ahead.

Forget to Remember

Holy SHIT.

I'm in the middle of reading something, and my mind is exploding like a pizza pop that was put in a microwave for over two minutes. Old messages make me DIE. I was such a loser! hahaha I wonder when I'm forty and I look back on these blog entries I'll laugh and think I'm a loser anyways. Maybe I am a loser.

I forgot my password to this, so clearly it's been a while. Sorry guys. (Like how I talk like people actually listen and care about this?) Well, actually every so often I get a message from someone asking me to write a new entry which is always exciting because I like when people tell me they read this.

Anyways, so yeah. I'm in the middle of reading old emails, and I'm laughing while also shaking in my boots. Sometimes we forget things, and sometimes it's better that way. Sometimes remembering is a dangerous thing because it reminds you of everything you used to want. I'm reading these emails, and I'm remembering moments, conversations and even dreams. It's really cool, but really frightening.

Let's take a brief moment to talk about the importance of writing things down. If we forget to remember, then we won't remember. Remembering is so FUN though. For me it is anyhow. Like cleaning my room is fun even thought it takes me 17 hours because I get so distracted all the time. By writing things down we immortalize ourselves. Wait, is that the right word? We become forever permanent with every page we fill.

Remembering is important because mistakes we made and choices we had and decisions we decided all affect us in the present and the future. I took a break from these emails because I needed to type here. I'm actually losing my mind.

Did you read my poem? hehe

Okay I read some more of the emails. Today I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics I'm on cause I'm sick. Turns out I'm allergic to penicillin. Yuck. Woah... it's 2 am? Good thing it's summer and I don't work tomorrow.

Affection is a funny thing.

If everyone was honest, I wonder if anyone would be happy. I wish I had the time to know everybody. I love people. Everything fascinates me. Motivation is intriguing. Why do we want what we want? How come we will only push so far to get it? I say if you want something, fo gor it. haha I have this issue where I actually switch the letters in my words around all the time without actually even trying. I blame Shel Silverstien and his Runny Babbit.

Anyways, go for it. Who hasn't heard that one before. Emily said to me yesterday that she does one thing a day that scares her, or tries to anyway. I like that. Let's take some risks people. Let's be honest and stop using time as an excuse.

I don't like to bitch, so if things get hot I just let them settle. Maybe one day I'll be a little more aggressive. But I don't want to waste my time putting in effort just to be ignored, high school can be a silly place.

The problem with loving someone lovable is exactly that. Everyone loves the lovable.

Remember the one about shouldn'ts? and how sometimes we should? Maybe I am unable to be profound today because I am coughing up lungular fluid. haha just kidding I'm not. But I am loopy today.

I'm tired. Life Lesson today is to write something down so you will be able to read it later, and hang around with people who make you happy. Cause why waste time with sluts n bitches when you could have real people as your friends. ahahah just kidding. But I'm not joking about surrounding yourself with people that make you happy. Don't waste time with effort if it isn't mirrored. Some things aren't worth the time they take, others are. You have to figure out how to tell.

If You Want

If you want a liar, I’ll lie.
Tell me I’m dead and I’ll die.
If you want to push, I’ll shove.
People do crazy things when they’re in love.

If you want a tree, I’ll grow.
You want my hair shorter? Just let me know.
If you want I can speak solely in rhyme,
well as long as you kiss me from time to time.

If you want me to run, I’ll race.
If you want me to stay put? I can pace.
You can check off all of the above
I’ll just smother you with undying love.

If you want a harp player, I’ll learn.
Want a million dollars? I can earn.
A pokemon master? Well, that could be me.
Your crazy harp playing short haired tree.

If you want me to stop, it’s over.
I would find you 400 four leaf clovers.
I could paint your portrait and write you a book.
Just pay me back with a loving look.

I could follow you around the hall.
Pick up your dirty socks and pass you the ball.
I’d let you win every game of chess.
And compliment every single quality you posses.

I would treat you like a King.
I’d be way better than any summer fling.
I wouldn’t let you feel lonely or hollow.
For you I’d even... sculpt Apollo. (haha)

I’d make you breakfast and bring it to you in bed.
We’d talk about all the good things that would lie ahead.
I’d write you poems and cook you meals.
Hey mister, I’m simply head over heels.

But I could be your shoulder to lean on.
Agree with all the things we agree upon.
You could talk to me and I’d always listen.
Even if your eyes started to glisten.

I could do your homework and drive you to class.
Well... actually I’ve still got one more road test to pass.
But I could make the whole world yours.
I could do all of your chores.

I would love you like a rabbit...
haha just kidding? I’d break bad habits.
I’d love you like a koala
Because it’s only you who I want alla.

I’d ramble till I ran out of sense.
I will push you off the sitting fence.
I’d beat you up and pretend I’m tough,
Fill up the backseat with useless stuff.

I’d be real for you, I’d be me.
I’d be your darling, your baby, your sweet pea.
I’d tie your shoe laces and make you smile.
I wanna be yours for a long long while.

Anyways, if everything is doubled like on Noah’s ark,
When I kiss you I feel TRIPLE the sparks.
I’ve got to go because it’s late.
I like the effect you have on my heart rate.

On Being Surrounded

The thing about life is that you have control. Trust me, you do. Everyone has control. We can all control emotions, and we can all control actions. Control is a good thing, until someone abuses it. We should only be experimenting with control on ourselves. Don't try and control people. Don't. Because you can't.