If You Want

If you want a liar, I’ll lie.
Tell me I’m dead and I’ll die.
If you want to push, I’ll shove.
People do crazy things when they’re in love.

If you want a tree, I’ll grow.
You want my hair shorter? Just let me know.
If you want I can speak solely in rhyme,
well as long as you kiss me from time to time.

If you want me to run, I’ll race.
If you want me to stay put? I can pace.
You can check off all of the above
I’ll just smother you with undying love.

If you want a harp player, I’ll learn.
Want a million dollars? I can earn.
A pokemon master? Well, that could be me.
Your crazy harp playing short haired tree.

If you want me to stop, it’s over.
I would find you 400 four leaf clovers.
I could paint your portrait and write you a book.
Just pay me back with a loving look.

I could follow you around the hall.
Pick up your dirty socks and pass you the ball.
I’d let you win every game of chess.
And compliment every single quality you posses.

I would treat you like a King.
I’d be way better than any summer fling.
I wouldn’t let you feel lonely or hollow.
For you I’d even... sculpt Apollo. (haha)

I’d make you breakfast and bring it to you in bed.
We’d talk about all the good things that would lie ahead.
I’d write you poems and cook you meals.
Hey mister, I’m simply head over heels.

But I could be your shoulder to lean on.
Agree with all the things we agree upon.
You could talk to me and I’d always listen.
Even if your eyes started to glisten.

I could do your homework and drive you to class.
Well... actually I’ve still got one more road test to pass.
But I could make the whole world yours.
I could do all of your chores.

I would love you like a rabbit...
haha just kidding? I’d break bad habits.
I’d love you like a koala
Because it’s only you who I want alla.

I’d ramble till I ran out of sense.
I will push you off the sitting fence.
I’d beat you up and pretend I’m tough,
Fill up the backseat with useless stuff.

I’d be real for you, I’d be me.
I’d be your darling, your baby, your sweet pea.
I’d tie your shoe laces and make you smile.
I wanna be yours for a long long while.

Anyways, if everything is doubled like on Noah’s ark,
When I kiss you I feel TRIPLE the sparks.
I’ve got to go because it’s late.
I like the effect you have on my heart rate.

On Being Surrounded

The thing about life is that you have control. Trust me, you do. Everyone has control. We can all control emotions, and we can all control actions. Control is a good thing, until someone abuses it. We should only be experimenting with control on ourselves. Don't try and control people. Don't. Because you can't.

Happy (old post)

I'm going to stop drafting and start posting. I might go back and post all my drafts, there are quite a few.

I keep typing big long paragraphs of nothing, then backspacing them and writing them again. Life is so weird. It's so wonderful, but it's messed up. It confuses me, which most things do. I think about rules all the time. I think about the way we are made and the way we grow up. I think about the way people are different and I think about what makes people treat people the way they do.

I think happiness is the most important thing in the entire world. Compassion and passion and empathy and understanding and forgiveness and science and art are all important too. But happiness is what drives me. Happiness is what I need.

Everybody wants to be happy, I think.

I'm a really happy person. The other day in drama everyone had to pretend to be someone else in the class and we had to guess who was who, and someone (some AWESOME SOMEONE! haha) said to the girl who was acting out as me:

"You're way too happy.... you're Steph."

Which made me laugh. But that's not saying much, because everything makes me laugh. But I get that a lot. We just our yearbooks this year (which aren't super awesome? ....) and I'm collecting signatures and I've already got a couple saying things like "You're the happiest person I know" "You bright up my life" "Be my wife" haha joking I'm just making those up. But I have got some really nice signatures. and people do tell me I'm a happy person. And, I am.

That's what I was saying earlier. When I said (last post) I have everything I've ever wanted. Because I'm happy. And I think that if you're happy, you're set.

I get sad. I get lonely. But I'm still happy. I know we don't live in a perfect world and I know I haven't finished what I was put here on this planet to do, but even when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I always smile. I laugh every day.

The other day I told somebody that I have everything I've ever wanted. He looked at me like I was a little bit crazy, and told me you can only spend so much time in your head before you start missing out on real life.

Which is true, I suppose. And I know that I've said several somethings that sound a lot like that. Musing is good, but only if followed by action, and other what nots of such sort.

When I think, I get nothing done.

What Does Anyone Do?

Sleeping too much makes me sleepy.

On Backing Decisions

Who knew France would awaken the blogger in me? lol 3 times in one month? That's gotta be some sort of record. I've mentioned the fact that I'm not very good at making decisions. I don't know where I want to eat dinner, and I have no clue what movie I want to watch. If you ask... well I wouldn't even bother asking because I probably won't have an answer. But when I do make a decision, I don't change my mind. In January I decided I would stop eating meat, so now I don't. When I make a decision, I don't usually back it because it comes on so suddenly I just have to accept the fact that I've just made a decision, and now the decision has been made. I could probably come to a decision, if I really tried hard and made pros and cons lists and lost sleep because I was thinking about it. But that doesn't really work. Decisions just randomly are thrown at me and I don't question them. I'll probably come home one day with a map of the world tattooed on my back because I decided over lunch that it would be a good idea. Maybe "decision" isn't the right word? When I haven't decided on something that needs to be decided I get a little hazy and block everything out because I'm undecided. Day to day decisions don't really... hmm.. affect me? It's not that they don't matter, it's just that I'm happy no matter what the decision is. I can go with the flow cause in the end all the rivers end up in the lake. hahahah just. kidding. lol Maybe it's like on old post, the one about being reasonable? I don't need to back my decisions all the time because sometimes I just know. I have a really good sense of knowing. I'm really sure about the things I'm sure about, and everything else just sort of floats around my head. I spend so much energy in being sure that I don't have much left to spend re-assuring. Meaning I avoid making decisions, but accept and stick to the ones my subconscious mind decides for me. I think a lot of people think this whole thought musing thing is useless bull shit. But I don't. I think it's important to explore the way you function, because then you'll start to understand the way you work. I wonder sometimes if I'm really predictable, or completely impossible to keep pace with. Some people like to take apart a microwave or a calculator so they understand how all the parts fit together to function. I like to pick apart people (ew no not literally) and explore their brain and see how their head works toward function. Is that any less useful than exploring a microwave? No. It's not. So for all you people who think brains don't matter and it's all about microwaves, you're wrong. It's about the balance between the brains and the microwaves that create the function we call life. Nothing is bullshit. (besides overhead notes) And nothing matters either. Nothing means anything, and therefore everything is nothing and in nothing, everyone will find their everything. :) Get what I'm getting at? Life is not just something you live. Life is something you were given, and you can turn it into whatever you want it to be. Life is what you make it, in a very literal sense. You make your life. You choose to pick apart brains or microwaves or both. You choose what you like, what you do, and who you love. Life is yours and no one elses and nobody can tell you what matters to you, because only you know what matters. And we're all made up of matter. And 'matter' is something that is made-up. You don't control what you're made up of and. Okay. I can see where this could get confusing. Because I just said "you choose" and followed it with "you can't control". haha The first you, the you who chooses, is your physical you, the really you that goes grocery shopping and walks the dog. The other you, the one you can't control, or at least I can't control, is the brain you. haha So, you control everything, you have control over nothing, nothing matters and we are made-up of everything. You love who you love, and you can find meaning in nothing because everything is matter. And if you can accept the fact that nothing ever makes "sense" then you can get away with not backing your decisions and being truly and honestly happy with life and the way you live and choose and at the same time don't control it. Life Lesson today is to smile and nod and pretend you understood what I just said. Steph out :)

Words.Words.Words

I love words. Bo Burnham is cool too. haha. But really, words are my favourite. I like reading them, I like writing them, and I like hearing them. But they don't mean anything. Words are just reinforcements or contradictions of actions. Sha la la la la la my oh my! Look's like the boy's too shy, he ain't gunna kiss the girl. sha la la la la la ain't that said? It's such a shame, too bad. He's gunna miss the girl haha like how I kept the sha la la's in there? Don't think about kissing her, don't tell her you want to kiss her, just: kiss her. I came to this realization during French class this morning. In France, I stare. All the time. I stare at my teachers while they talk, I stare at the 7000 illegal smokers outside (haha I don't actually know if it's illegal here...) I stare ay my french relatives and I stare at my classmates. I'm not ashamed to stare, because I want to understand. This morning I was staring at my French teacher and she was talking and talking and spitting and spitting because she is a human sprinkler when she speaks and I was staring and staring and cowering under my umbrella when I realized I had no idea what she was talking about. Not a clue! Maybe because she was speaking french, but then I thought about how the situation would change if she was speaking english. I didn't think it would change much. WOO VALENTINA JUST GAVE ME A TIC TAC! YES! She is my favourite. Anyways. It doesn't matter if this teacher at which whom I was staring at (who was yelling now) was speaking French, English, or Ojibwe. I didn't care what she was saying, and none of the words she spoke were impacting my life at all. If I understood, and was listening, at best her lecture could have sparked a thought. But unless I took the time to think that thought, and make it into an action, this two hour class would be just one among others spent wandering in words. You're not going to be remembered for your thoughts, you're going to be remembered for what you do. It doesn't matter if you can talk, it doesn't matter if you can think. If you can't take action, you're just another crayon in the box. We all could be metallic, a sparkly crayon in the box. We could all make a difference and make a change and change a life, but we need to learn to get out of our own heads. I have a lot of time to think here in France. I'm in my head all the time and sometimes a whole school day goes by and all I have to show for it is an empty page with a corner full of monster doodles. I like to think, but... as someone once told me: "analytical minds are destructive". It's the sad and scary truth. When you think, like I do sometimes, you strip down every situation until there isn't anything left but thought, which is useless without the other half of the equation. the equation: thought+action=outcome Without action, there is no outcome and therefore you are left with just thought, which means nothing. When all you do is think, you're whole being is absorbed into your head and you mosey around everyday life and maybe forget things like eating and sleeping, but you don't notice because you're so far gone inside yourself you don't even speak. It is for that reason I agree with the statement: analytical minds are destructive. Because eventually if you let your head absorb you, you'll be so far gone you won't be able to come back. Thinking is an addictive drug, but there's no rehab for thought abusers, so you have to look out for yourself. Next. Bored. "I'm bored." This is boring. You don't really ever have an excuse to be bored. There is always something to do. If you think you're starting to feel bored, do something. Go somewhere, look at something. Everyday we get a little closer to the end. Every second that passes is gone, and we're only given so much life time. So do what you want and don't waste time doubting. Don't waste time thinking. You catch the ball, and you throw it, you don't wait for the other team to surround you. Take what you get and work what you have. Don't be scared to start something because you're afraid of how it will finish. If you start by thinking about the end, well... why even start something you can only think about ending? I don't mean finish like complete, I think we should make a concious effort to finish what we start, I mean finish like... terminate. Alrighty roo. I hate yelling. Teachers here like like it makes us listen. Yelling makes me block things out even more. Never yell at me. I'll attack you. They teach us to box in France. HA. I wish. sigh. I actually wrote this during French class. I'm writing right now and I'm going to type it up later. It'll be the first time in a while I'll post twice in the same month. Life Lesson: If a Canadian asks to throw eggs at you while you (also a Canadian) are in France because it's tradtion on your birthday, don't say okay. I had to shake my head today because some people are really stupid. Don't worry, it wasn't me who got pelted, but that poor girl who thought it was all in fun... well maybe ignorance is bliss. No, I don't think so. I think there's middle ground somewhere between "ignorant bliss" and thought rehab. Life lesson today is to try and find it. Steph out :)