23 Contradictions and Two Facts

I wonder frequently if people have patterns. If you like this, you'll like that. You know? I'm just here to tell you: they don't. And it's awesome. It makes everything so much more exciting. I don't like to guess, I like to know. That's why I look for patterns. I don't really like surprises either. But they are probably better for me, anticipation is a killer.

I love flowers. But I hate bouquets. I hate them. They are so ugly. Okay, not all of them. I like little bouquets. Cute ones, where the colours go all nice. But huge arrangements of floral disaster make me want fold clothes for a living. But I love flowers.

I am scared of bugs. They make me shiver.

I love playing in the rain. I love it. I'm terrified of thunder. If I saw a bug in a thunder storm I might die. lol Kidding, but you get it.

I love to swim. But deep water freaks me out, a lot.

I can only sleep when it's pitch black. It doesn't really get dark in my room here in France so I have to sleep with one of those beautiful sleeping masks. I got mine off the airplane. lol Yet strangely enough: I'm terrified of the dark.

See where I'm going? If you see any pattern, let me know. I'm interested. I could continue for a long time. I'm not going to list forever though. I cut my lip today. I'm not even going to tell you what happend because it was so weird. lol It bled for a long time.

Anyways. I like patterns. I like figuring people out. But patterns are hard to find. Over time you put the pieces of your puzzle together, and by the end, once you have enough pieces, you see the picture. The pattern makes sense, even though every peice on it's own didn't mean much.

But don't throw away the pieces, because then you'll never finish the puzzle. And without a finished puzzle, you don't know someone. So keep the pieces, finish the puzzle, and understand someone. :)

That's all? I'm avoiding doing my homework right now....

I feel like I didn't really say anything. Let me try again.

Life Lesson For Today

People are complicated. You don't usually ask a person their favourite movie and after they answer you know their favourite colour smartie and shoe size. It doesn't work like that. Every day you're with someone, or you talk to someone, or you skype someone, haha, you learn something. Every single time. I promise. It's your job to remember what you learn. Once you start remembering, things start to make sense. Once you remember, you can predict. But you never know. Relying on remembering doesn't work. There's a lot of guessing involved no matter what. And that's what makes people so fun. It's not knowing exactly what they are going to say to you tomorrow over breakfast that makes you want to eat breakfast tomorrow. It's about growing together over time. Getting to know someone isn't about making them follow a program in your head. They don't do some things and hate others. It's about experimenting, and learning, and making memories.

So, get to know someone. Don't judge them, or categorize them and place them into a file in your brain. Find out if they like sand but hate deserts. Because underneath all the facts and contradictions there is a person. And that person is great, promise.

Wallow Wallow, Alone and in Love

You know I really don't know if the six people who follow this even read what I post. It doesn't really matter. One day when I'm famous people will beg to read the blog I kept during highschool. haha is doesn't really not a word? My computer is trying to tell me that it isn't. haha, this isn't my computer actually. It is someone's netbook. I'm in the Sheraton Center in Toronto right now. In the lobby, by myself. Hooray. I clearly know how to have a good time on a friday night. Am I looking for pity? Maybe. Wanna come keep me company? You can.

Anywho... oh my god. Have you ever seen 10 Things I Hate About You? ahh melt. Heath Ledger is a God. Was God? sigh. The song he sings just came on... you're like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much.

Wallowing in self pity.

I'm down here for the Public Education Symposium, also attended Equity and Inclusive Education workshops or something. I'm supposed to be partying it up with the other Trustees, but alas alack the day, here I am.

Anyways, how's life? Besides sitting here in the lobby feeling sorry for myself? I leave for France in fourteen days. Fourteen. Can you believe that? I can't. I'm going to be gone for three whole months. wowza.

This hotel is massive to the max. Like, it is so so so so big.

Have you ever been in love?

Yeah, you. I'm talking to you mysterious random who came upon my blog my accident. Have you? I wanna know.

I'm in love. Just in case you wanted to know. Who ever you might be msyterious random. You know sometimes the internet drives me nuts. But I also love it, it's a nice venting spot. It's fun to announce things like "I'm in Love" while on the internet. Everyone tells me that the internet isn't safe. I don't disagree. I'd rather say "hey mister, I love you" but, since I'm talking to a netbook, I'll just stick with "I'm in love" for now. One day I'll say I love you. One day.

ramble ramble.

You can only wait for so long. And you can say that, but you still wait. You know? Some things are worth waiting for. When you wait, do you wonder about the stuff you miss out on? I don't really. I don't think you lose things by waiting for others. I guess you probably do.

I'm all alone in Toronto. haha I have my own room and everything. The first thing I did when I got here was climb on to the register in my room and stuck my face against the window and looked down to see how high I was. I love that. The window holds you up and you feel so free. Then I looked across the street and noticed I was right across from a business building. A nice man waved at me. I waved back.

Then I started jumping on the beds. Because I have a hotel room with two beds all to my lonesome and what else was I supposed to do? But the ceiling was really low so I cut my hand. ahahh scraping it against the scratchy ceiling. It bled. ahahh then I had to go to session with a bloody hand. Good times right?

I have fun.

Someone also asked me to run away with them, and another person told me they would let me use their netbook if I fixed their ironing board. (see top when I mention that I'm on a netbook, can you put the pieces together?)

It's 11pm at the moment. Or, 11ish anyways.

Sometimes I think I need too much. But other times I don't. Sometimes I wish I could just type huge long messaages to people telling them everything, sometimes I do write them.

uh oh, a trustee is coming to fetch me to make me dance. I will return.

Hey mister, I love you.

Beatrice and Virgil

I'm going to talk about a book, but I guess more generally books in general. Analytically analyzing. haha... never mind.

I've always wanted to be a writer. Since, forever. I love to write. And I love books about writers. Beatrice and Virgil, by Yann Martel, is abut a writer. I mean, yes, it was also about the holocaust, among other things. But for me, it was mainly about a writer. As a writer myself, I love reading about writers.

I read some reviews of the book and it didn't seem to get very good feedback, as far as I dug. Which wasn't very far. I was just astounded by how non-appealing they thought the book was. They said it had no plot, no narrative magic like Life of Pi did. I've never read Life of Pi, but eventually I will. One review said, the whole novel was more of an "elaborate writing exercise".

Is that a bad thing? Really and seriously, what is a novel BESIDES an elaborate writing exercise? Review writers aren't writers, in the sense that a writer is a writer. You know what I'm saying?

I loved Beatrice and Virgil. I'm sure a lot of it went over my head, no doubt. But that's okay. If everyone who read a novel understood everything about it, I wouldn't be writing this. I think good books are books that someone can read and enjoy, and another can read and analyze. A book means something different to every reader who indulges.

I love words. I love them. They are my favourite thing.

If the only thing that makes a good book is narrative magic, then there would only be one type of book. I don't think Beatrice and Virgil was boring at all, sometimes you have to look beyond the simple action and think about why the action that is happening, is happening. Words are powerful, and Yann Martel's novel is powerful.

I felt the need to express my appreciation for it.

You should read it. And then when I write my first book, you should read that too.

Love x 2000 divided by the coefficient of lost love plus the sum of healing divided by reality.

I don't know what it feels like to have your heart broken. I know what it feels like to bite your tongue and regret it, but I've never had someone tell me they love me, then take it back another day.

I avoid that whole situation quite efficiently. But I think I've missed out on a lot. I truly believe that the only way any of us will ever learn, is if we completely throw ourselves into something. Loose your footing, forget your purpose, forget what used to matter, fall in love!

I focus so hard on letting myself feel just enough that if that person was to suddenly change their mind and pull away from me, the damage would be minimal. It's awful. I have to constantly watch myself.

I envy those who fall, really truly, with the snap of fingers. Those who are able to trust themselves enough to risk the pain love can bring. I mean, hi, I'm a hopeless hopeless romantic, love means everything to me. But I'm careful with it. Because I'm afraid of being hurt. Who isn't? But, why are we?

The generic allergy to broken hearts. I think most of us have it. Let's get rid of it. I know that love is special, so why are we so terrified?

Why is it so hard?

We shouldn't be afraid. I think that being hurt happens, and we have to deal. But don't dwell. Refusing to realize that broken hearts are all (this is me being optimistic) mended. You're never going to fall in love with the same person twice. So if you lose someone, don't look for them. If it's really and truly lost love, then it's gone. It doesn't mean it wasn't there, but it does mean it is no longer present. And once you lose love, you don't want that same love back, because all you're going to remember is how you lost it.

So once you lose love, find new love.

Know that love knows no boundaries, and can't be defined or bottled. Love is an energy that cannot be exhausted.

There is always love. Always.

I think that by restricting yourself to avoid being hurt is the stupidest thing you can do. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Nobody knows what love is. You can't google it, and your best friend or your mom can't tell you what it means. You are the only person who can define love for yourself. And each person you meet, and each person you love, is unique, you don't love anybody in the same way.

And if that's true, then we can't be afraid of getting hurt, because if we get hurt, it'll be different every time. Afraid of falling in love is like being afraid of eating breakfast. If you skip out on breakfast because you're scared, you're just going to eat more at lunch. Meaning... if you don't let yourself fall in love, because you're afraid of getting hurt, you're just going to end up hurting yourself more because you aren't letting yourself FEEL.

So, eat breakfast. And don't be scared of love because you're scared of getting hurt.

I can't tell you what falling in love means, and I can't tell you what being hurt feels like. You have to find out for yourself. You have to eat breakfast, or you will die.

hahaha just kidding that was a little extreme. But really, take some walls down and start to trust. Trust yourself, and trust the people you love. You will get hurt, but you will also fall in love. And I think the good in love outweighs everything bad that potentially comes with it.

So, life lesson today? LOVE! (eat breakfast)

Being Reasonable? Unreasonable to Me.

I just don't get it. Maybe it is just me. But I'm sure there are a couple more out there.

The relevance of straws to every day life? I don't know if there is any. Does it matter? Probably not.

Hey. It's November! :)

Life will happen whether you sleep through it, waste it, or take advantage of it. Life is life. Living is living, and until we're dead we're all living life.

And some people are reasonable about it.

But I'm not.

I can't STAND being reasonable.

Okay, do I sound crazy? Probably, well... I am. lol Reasonable. Why bother? Does EVERYTHING need an explanation? NO! No, it doesn't, I promise. And not everything needs to make sense. You don't always have to take your turn, if no one pushes, there would only ever be straight lines.

And with straight lines all you can draw are squares.... and triangles which makes me think of math.

But you could also draw a kite.... I like Kites. Maybe straight lines aren't so bad.

But imagine a world of ONLY straight lines? You couldn't jump on a trampoline, or smile, or write the letter S. Because it would look more like a digital clock five.

Back to the point. Questions are okay, but answers aren't always there. And even if the are, you don't need to know everything. You really don't need everything to have a logical explanation. Not everything in life is logical. Alright?

Okay?

Do you get what I'm getting at? Why did I choose this thumbnail for the start of my video? I don't know. Because I Wanted to? Reasonable people don't accept 'want' as a reason. Which is SOOOO stupid! Because, if you want something, you get it, or you do it, or whatever. Wanting is the simplest emotion to feel. How could you be more precise? Why isn't it reasonable to want?

So maybe I'm not unreasonable. I'm only unreasonable compared to that certain type of reasonable people.

What am I talking about? Where's the life lesson?

Hmm. As long as you feel reasonable to yourself, you're good to go. Don't try and be reasonable to those unreasonabley reasonable people. Ya hear? It just isn't worth it. Because, some people need too much explanation to ever understand the joke.

And it's just not funny anymore when you have to explain yourself.

Do Your Homework... Oh, and Don't Lie.

Happy Friday! :)

I don't like being lied to. I think lying (lieing?) is the worst thing ever. Don't lie. Okay? I read a book in English last week about humanity (haha yes, very deep) and whabam looky here at the quote I found:

"I hate, detest, and can't bear a lie, not because I am straighter than the rest of us, but simply because it appalls me. There is a taint of death, a flavour of mortality in lies- which is exactly what I hate and detest in the world- what I want to forget. It makes me miserable and sick, like biting something rotten would do." - Joseph Conrad

Overwhelmed? Everyone cried this week. EVERYONE! hahah okay... I can think of three off the top of my head. But really, there is a heck of a lot of overwhemlingness swirling around in everyone's head. Overwhelmingness is not welcome. Did you know you're not supposed to use "off of" beside each other because they are the same type of word or something like that... So I just typed "off of the top of my head" but I had to go back and backspace the of... Weird. Anyways. Overwhlemed. With emotion. You can't be overwhelmed with homework. Everything relates back to an emotion.

So, we have to control our emotions. Nah meeen? haha..... I'm easily overwhelmed. But I don't want to be. So I stop myself.

Not from the good overwhelmingness. We should all search for the good overwhelmingness. Do you like how I make up a word pretty much every time I write one of these? haha overwhelmingness.

But bad overwhelmingness. The sort of overwhelmingness that makes you sit and cry. None of us are going to get anywhere doing that. So don't let yourself brood. Stressed about your essay? Don't sit there and talk about how stressed you are. Just write your essay. Seriously. Write your essay. It's that simple.

Life lessons today: write your essay and don't lie.

Thinking, now stop. Now live.

Pretending opportunity, doing what's right, doing what you have to. Changing your mind, and fiddling with others. It's no fun, it's not easy, and it's hard to come back smiling.

Things in your life, will go right. Things in everyone's life will go wrong. But who decides what's right, and who gets to say what's wrong? Maybe my problem is I think that everything just happens. I don't know right from wrong anymore. Events are events, feelings are feelings. I think I'm becoming more and more of an observer every day. De-humanizing myself to the most extreme way possible, trying to get rid of all feeling, but instead just collecting mass emotion.

You feel swamped? You feel hollow. Robots feel it all.

I'm not a robot.

I know how to feel. Robots don't feel. Robots see. Robots see it all. And document it, and use it later.

I don't know if it's better to watch, and remember, or if it's better to experience, and forget? I know watching and forgetting is useless, but maybe experiencing and remembering is best. Best better bestest.

Who needs sense.

Decisions are hard, and change is hard. But decisions are necessary and change is un-avoidable. I still haven't forgotten that line I read a while ago some where talking about not feeling afraid of things that will take a long time to happen. Because the time will pass anyways. Because it's so so true. Don't use time as an excuse, you're being ridiculous.

I think, if we'd all do what makes us happy, and not always what we think is right and not always what we think is easy, then we could live so much better. You lose so much when you do things because you think you should. I don't really believe in obligation, not completely. Everything should be choice, because then every action is an active thought. The more actively we think, the more sense our actions will make. If we constantly cut our thinking off we're all going to explode into piles of ash.

Instead of getting lost, to avoid feeling like someone is holding a pillow over your head. Do something. Try something. Change something. Make a decision. Try?

I'll get back to you.