Forget to Remember

Holy SHIT.

I'm in the middle of reading something, and my mind is exploding like a pizza pop that was put in a microwave for over two minutes. Old messages make me DIE. I was such a loser! hahaha I wonder when I'm forty and I look back on these blog entries I'll laugh and think I'm a loser anyways. Maybe I am a loser.

I forgot my password to this, so clearly it's been a while. Sorry guys. (Like how I talk like people actually listen and care about this?) Well, actually every so often I get a message from someone asking me to write a new entry which is always exciting because I like when people tell me they read this.

Anyways, so yeah. I'm in the middle of reading old emails, and I'm laughing while also shaking in my boots. Sometimes we forget things, and sometimes it's better that way. Sometimes remembering is a dangerous thing because it reminds you of everything you used to want. I'm reading these emails, and I'm remembering moments, conversations and even dreams. It's really cool, but really frightening.

Let's take a brief moment to talk about the importance of writing things down. If we forget to remember, then we won't remember. Remembering is so FUN though. For me it is anyhow. Like cleaning my room is fun even thought it takes me 17 hours because I get so distracted all the time. By writing things down we immortalize ourselves. Wait, is that the right word? We become forever permanent with every page we fill.

Remembering is important because mistakes we made and choices we had and decisions we decided all affect us in the present and the future. I took a break from these emails because I needed to type here. I'm actually losing my mind.

Did you read my poem? hehe

Okay I read some more of the emails. Today I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics I'm on cause I'm sick. Turns out I'm allergic to penicillin. Yuck. Woah... it's 2 am? Good thing it's summer and I don't work tomorrow.

Affection is a funny thing.

If everyone was honest, I wonder if anyone would be happy. I wish I had the time to know everybody. I love people. Everything fascinates me. Motivation is intriguing. Why do we want what we want? How come we will only push so far to get it? I say if you want something, fo gor it. haha I have this issue where I actually switch the letters in my words around all the time without actually even trying. I blame Shel Silverstien and his Runny Babbit.

Anyways, go for it. Who hasn't heard that one before. Emily said to me yesterday that she does one thing a day that scares her, or tries to anyway. I like that. Let's take some risks people. Let's be honest and stop using time as an excuse.

I don't like to bitch, so if things get hot I just let them settle. Maybe one day I'll be a little more aggressive. But I don't want to waste my time putting in effort just to be ignored, high school can be a silly place.

The problem with loving someone lovable is exactly that. Everyone loves the lovable.

Remember the one about shouldn'ts? and how sometimes we should? Maybe I am unable to be profound today because I am coughing up lungular fluid. haha just kidding I'm not. But I am loopy today.

I'm tired. Life Lesson today is to write something down so you will be able to read it later, and hang around with people who make you happy. Cause why waste time with sluts n bitches when you could have real people as your friends. ahahah just kidding. But I'm not joking about surrounding yourself with people that make you happy. Don't waste time with effort if it isn't mirrored. Some things aren't worth the time they take, others are. You have to figure out how to tell.

If You Want

If you want a liar, I’ll lie.
Tell me I’m dead and I’ll die.
If you want to push, I’ll shove.
People do crazy things when they’re in love.

If you want a tree, I’ll grow.
You want my hair shorter? Just let me know.
If you want I can speak solely in rhyme,
well as long as you kiss me from time to time.

If you want me to run, I’ll race.
If you want me to stay put? I can pace.
You can check off all of the above
I’ll just smother you with undying love.

If you want a harp player, I’ll learn.
Want a million dollars? I can earn.
A pokemon master? Well, that could be me.
Your crazy harp playing short haired tree.

If you want me to stop, it’s over.
I would find you 400 four leaf clovers.
I could paint your portrait and write you a book.
Just pay me back with a loving look.

I could follow you around the hall.
Pick up your dirty socks and pass you the ball.
I’d let you win every game of chess.
And compliment every single quality you posses.

I would treat you like a King.
I’d be way better than any summer fling.
I wouldn’t let you feel lonely or hollow.
For you I’d even... sculpt Apollo. (haha)

I’d make you breakfast and bring it to you in bed.
We’d talk about all the good things that would lie ahead.
I’d write you poems and cook you meals.
Hey mister, I’m simply head over heels.

But I could be your shoulder to lean on.
Agree with all the things we agree upon.
You could talk to me and I’d always listen.
Even if your eyes started to glisten.

I could do your homework and drive you to class.
Well... actually I’ve still got one more road test to pass.
But I could make the whole world yours.
I could do all of your chores.

I would love you like a rabbit...
haha just kidding? I’d break bad habits.
I’d love you like a koala
Because it’s only you who I want alla.

I’d ramble till I ran out of sense.
I will push you off the sitting fence.
I’d beat you up and pretend I’m tough,
Fill up the backseat with useless stuff.

I’d be real for you, I’d be me.
I’d be your darling, your baby, your sweet pea.
I’d tie your shoe laces and make you smile.
I wanna be yours for a long long while.

Anyways, if everything is doubled like on Noah’s ark,
When I kiss you I feel TRIPLE the sparks.
I’ve got to go because it’s late.
I like the effect you have on my heart rate.

On Being Surrounded

The thing about life is that you have control. Trust me, you do. Everyone has control. We can all control emotions, and we can all control actions. Control is a good thing, until someone abuses it. We should only be experimenting with control on ourselves. Don't try and control people. Don't. Because you can't.

Happy (old post)

I'm going to stop drafting and start posting. I might go back and post all my drafts, there are quite a few.

I keep typing big long paragraphs of nothing, then backspacing them and writing them again. Life is so weird. It's so wonderful, but it's messed up. It confuses me, which most things do. I think about rules all the time. I think about the way we are made and the way we grow up. I think about the way people are different and I think about what makes people treat people the way they do.

I think happiness is the most important thing in the entire world. Compassion and passion and empathy and understanding and forgiveness and science and art are all important too. But happiness is what drives me. Happiness is what I need.

Everybody wants to be happy, I think.

I'm a really happy person. The other day in drama everyone had to pretend to be someone else in the class and we had to guess who was who, and someone (some AWESOME SOMEONE! haha) said to the girl who was acting out as me:

"You're way too happy.... you're Steph."

Which made me laugh. But that's not saying much, because everything makes me laugh. But I get that a lot. We just our yearbooks this year (which aren't super awesome? ....) and I'm collecting signatures and I've already got a couple saying things like "You're the happiest person I know" "You bright up my life" "Be my wife" haha joking I'm just making those up. But I have got some really nice signatures. and people do tell me I'm a happy person. And, I am.

That's what I was saying earlier. When I said (last post) I have everything I've ever wanted. Because I'm happy. And I think that if you're happy, you're set.

I get sad. I get lonely. But I'm still happy. I know we don't live in a perfect world and I know I haven't finished what I was put here on this planet to do, but even when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I always smile. I laugh every day.

The other day I told somebody that I have everything I've ever wanted. He looked at me like I was a little bit crazy, and told me you can only spend so much time in your head before you start missing out on real life.

Which is true, I suppose. And I know that I've said several somethings that sound a lot like that. Musing is good, but only if followed by action, and other what nots of such sort.

When I think, I get nothing done.

What Does Anyone Do?

Sleeping too much makes me sleepy.