On Backing Decisions

Who knew France would awaken the blogger in me? lol 3 times in one month? That's gotta be some sort of record. I've mentioned the fact that I'm not very good at making decisions. I don't know where I want to eat dinner, and I have no clue what movie I want to watch. If you ask... well I wouldn't even bother asking because I probably won't have an answer. But when I do make a decision, I don't change my mind. In January I decided I would stop eating meat, so now I don't. When I make a decision, I don't usually back it because it comes on so suddenly I just have to accept the fact that I've just made a decision, and now the decision has been made. I could probably come to a decision, if I really tried hard and made pros and cons lists and lost sleep because I was thinking about it. But that doesn't really work. Decisions just randomly are thrown at me and I don't question them. I'll probably come home one day with a map of the world tattooed on my back because I decided over lunch that it would be a good idea. Maybe "decision" isn't the right word? When I haven't decided on something that needs to be decided I get a little hazy and block everything out because I'm undecided. Day to day decisions don't really... hmm.. affect me? It's not that they don't matter, it's just that I'm happy no matter what the decision is. I can go with the flow cause in the end all the rivers end up in the lake. hahahah just. kidding. lol Maybe it's like on old post, the one about being reasonable? I don't need to back my decisions all the time because sometimes I just know. I have a really good sense of knowing. I'm really sure about the things I'm sure about, and everything else just sort of floats around my head. I spend so much energy in being sure that I don't have much left to spend re-assuring. Meaning I avoid making decisions, but accept and stick to the ones my subconscious mind decides for me. I think a lot of people think this whole thought musing thing is useless bull shit. But I don't. I think it's important to explore the way you function, because then you'll start to understand the way you work. I wonder sometimes if I'm really predictable, or completely impossible to keep pace with. Some people like to take apart a microwave or a calculator so they understand how all the parts fit together to function. I like to pick apart people (ew no not literally) and explore their brain and see how their head works toward function. Is that any less useful than exploring a microwave? No. It's not. So for all you people who think brains don't matter and it's all about microwaves, you're wrong. It's about the balance between the brains and the microwaves that create the function we call life. Nothing is bullshit. (besides overhead notes) And nothing matters either. Nothing means anything, and therefore everything is nothing and in nothing, everyone will find their everything. :) Get what I'm getting at? Life is not just something you live. Life is something you were given, and you can turn it into whatever you want it to be. Life is what you make it, in a very literal sense. You make your life. You choose to pick apart brains or microwaves or both. You choose what you like, what you do, and who you love. Life is yours and no one elses and nobody can tell you what matters to you, because only you know what matters. And we're all made up of matter. And 'matter' is something that is made-up. You don't control what you're made up of and. Okay. I can see where this could get confusing. Because I just said "you choose" and followed it with "you can't control". haha The first you, the you who chooses, is your physical you, the really you that goes grocery shopping and walks the dog. The other you, the one you can't control, or at least I can't control, is the brain you. haha So, you control everything, you have control over nothing, nothing matters and we are made-up of everything. You love who you love, and you can find meaning in nothing because everything is matter. And if you can accept the fact that nothing ever makes "sense" then you can get away with not backing your decisions and being truly and honestly happy with life and the way you live and choose and at the same time don't control it. Life Lesson today is to smile and nod and pretend you understood what I just said. Steph out :)