Call it Quits

Call it quits, no one cares.
Park in no-zones; pay the fares.

Eat so much you swallow air.

Drink a coffee, have a tea.
Chug your spirit.

Don’t lean on me.

Do your homework, read the books.
Sink your love in like a hook.

But don’t touch me.

Not Selfish, Real.

I can't control you. No sir, no mam. I can only attempt to control myself. If you piss me off, I'm probably going to do something about, something that probably doesn't involve confronting you. I don't really like to confront things, I like to let them go. But it drives me absolutely NUTS when people don't confront me. Like, I'm sorry, but if you have a problem with me why don't you just say it to my face? Hmm? Or you can just delete me off facebook and wait till I notice.

And it's really funny that it pisses me off, because that's exactly what I do. But, I shouldn't have to be the one to apologize, should I? And then especially if I add you back and you accept and then you just delete me again. Jesus!

Is this facebook thing a metaphor for something deeper? NO! I'm just fricken pissed off that I've been deleted! lol

Sorry.

Anyways, today I'm going to talk about feelings and getting hurt and friendships and what exactly they mean. It's not my fault if you thought I was something else. I don't have to prove anything to you. It's your fault for misjudging. Right? I don't have to live my life trying to please you or make you feel how you want me to make you feel. And that's not me being selfish, that's me being real.

Don't tell me I lied to you when I didn't.

Don't tell me I don't deserve what I want.

Becase that's not fair. I never said you didn't deserve what you wanted. I never yelled at you or threw books accross a classroom because you weren't behaving how I wanted you to. I respect you, all of you, for who and what you are. Everyone gets angry, everyone gets sad, everyone gets scary sometimes too. It makes no difference to me.

So how dare you somehow make it my fault you didn't win. That's not my job. I don't have to let you have anything. I'm me, all me, and all me is mine, and I can share whatever I want of me with whoever I chose. I don't owe you anything. And you don't owe me anything either.

Apologies are important, and we should value them, especially if they are sincere. If I say I'm sorry, I mean it. So listen when I say it. I'm sorry, really. I'm sorry even though it's not my fault. It's so stupid to be angry with someone for being. Just being. You're pretty much mad at me for existing.

I can disappear. I can run away. But I like to think we both have enough decency to wave goodbye.

But tell me to fuck off. If it makes you feel any better you go right ahead.

Forget to Remember

Holy SHIT.

I'm in the middle of reading something, and my mind is exploding like a pizza pop that was put in a microwave for over two minutes. Old messages make me DIE. I was such a loser! hahaha I wonder when I'm forty and I look back on these blog entries I'll laugh and think I'm a loser anyways. Maybe I am a loser.

I forgot my password to this, so clearly it's been a while. Sorry guys. (Like how I talk like people actually listen and care about this?) Well, actually every so often I get a message from someone asking me to write a new entry which is always exciting because I like when people tell me they read this.

Anyways, so yeah. I'm in the middle of reading old emails, and I'm laughing while also shaking in my boots. Sometimes we forget things, and sometimes it's better that way. Sometimes remembering is a dangerous thing because it reminds you of everything you used to want. I'm reading these emails, and I'm remembering moments, conversations and even dreams. It's really cool, but really frightening.

Let's take a brief moment to talk about the importance of writing things down. If we forget to remember, then we won't remember. Remembering is so FUN though. For me it is anyhow. Like cleaning my room is fun even thought it takes me 17 hours because I get so distracted all the time. By writing things down we immortalize ourselves. Wait, is that the right word? We become forever permanent with every page we fill.

Remembering is important because mistakes we made and choices we had and decisions we decided all affect us in the present and the future. I took a break from these emails because I needed to type here. I'm actually losing my mind.

Did you read my poem? hehe

Okay I read some more of the emails. Today I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics I'm on cause I'm sick. Turns out I'm allergic to penicillin. Yuck. Woah... it's 2 am? Good thing it's summer and I don't work tomorrow.

Affection is a funny thing.

If everyone was honest, I wonder if anyone would be happy. I wish I had the time to know everybody. I love people. Everything fascinates me. Motivation is intriguing. Why do we want what we want? How come we will only push so far to get it? I say if you want something, fo gor it. haha I have this issue where I actually switch the letters in my words around all the time without actually even trying. I blame Shel Silverstien and his Runny Babbit.

Anyways, go for it. Who hasn't heard that one before. Emily said to me yesterday that she does one thing a day that scares her, or tries to anyway. I like that. Let's take some risks people. Let's be honest and stop using time as an excuse.

I don't like to bitch, so if things get hot I just let them settle. Maybe one day I'll be a little more aggressive. But I don't want to waste my time putting in effort just to be ignored, high school can be a silly place.

The problem with loving someone lovable is exactly that. Everyone loves the lovable.

Remember the one about shouldn'ts? and how sometimes we should? Maybe I am unable to be profound today because I am coughing up lungular fluid. haha just kidding I'm not. But I am loopy today.

I'm tired. Life Lesson today is to write something down so you will be able to read it later, and hang around with people who make you happy. Cause why waste time with sluts n bitches when you could have real people as your friends. ahahah just kidding. But I'm not joking about surrounding yourself with people that make you happy. Don't waste time with effort if it isn't mirrored. Some things aren't worth the time they take, others are. You have to figure out how to tell.

If You Want

If you want a liar, I’ll lie.
Tell me I’m dead and I’ll die.
If you want to push, I’ll shove.
People do crazy things when they’re in love.

If you want a tree, I’ll grow.
You want my hair shorter? Just let me know.
If you want I can speak solely in rhyme,
well as long as you kiss me from time to time.

If you want me to run, I’ll race.
If you want me to stay put? I can pace.
You can check off all of the above
I’ll just smother you with undying love.

If you want a harp player, I’ll learn.
Want a million dollars? I can earn.
A pokemon master? Well, that could be me.
Your crazy harp playing short haired tree.

If you want me to stop, it’s over.
I would find you 400 four leaf clovers.
I could paint your portrait and write you a book.
Just pay me back with a loving look.

I could follow you around the hall.
Pick up your dirty socks and pass you the ball.
I’d let you win every game of chess.
And compliment every single quality you posses.

I would treat you like a King.
I’d be way better than any summer fling.
I wouldn’t let you feel lonely or hollow.
For you I’d even... sculpt Apollo. (haha)

I’d make you breakfast and bring it to you in bed.
We’d talk about all the good things that would lie ahead.
I’d write you poems and cook you meals.
Hey mister, I’m simply head over heels.

But I could be your shoulder to lean on.
Agree with all the things we agree upon.
You could talk to me and I’d always listen.
Even if your eyes started to glisten.

I could do your homework and drive you to class.
Well... actually I’ve still got one more road test to pass.
But I could make the whole world yours.
I could do all of your chores.

I would love you like a rabbit...
haha just kidding? I’d break bad habits.
I’d love you like a koala
Because it’s only you who I want alla.

I’d ramble till I ran out of sense.
I will push you off the sitting fence.
I’d beat you up and pretend I’m tough,
Fill up the backseat with useless stuff.

I’d be real for you, I’d be me.
I’d be your darling, your baby, your sweet pea.
I’d tie your shoe laces and make you smile.
I wanna be yours for a long long while.

Anyways, if everything is doubled like on Noah’s ark,
When I kiss you I feel TRIPLE the sparks.
I’ve got to go because it’s late.
I like the effect you have on my heart rate.

On Being Surrounded

The thing about life is that you have control. Trust me, you do. Everyone has control. We can all control emotions, and we can all control actions. Control is a good thing, until someone abuses it. We should only be experimenting with control on ourselves. Don't try and control people. Don't. Because you can't.

Happy (old post)

I'm going to stop drafting and start posting. I might go back and post all my drafts, there are quite a few.

I keep typing big long paragraphs of nothing, then backspacing them and writing them again. Life is so weird. It's so wonderful, but it's messed up. It confuses me, which most things do. I think about rules all the time. I think about the way we are made and the way we grow up. I think about the way people are different and I think about what makes people treat people the way they do.

I think happiness is the most important thing in the entire world. Compassion and passion and empathy and understanding and forgiveness and science and art are all important too. But happiness is what drives me. Happiness is what I need.

Everybody wants to be happy, I think.

I'm a really happy person. The other day in drama everyone had to pretend to be someone else in the class and we had to guess who was who, and someone (some AWESOME SOMEONE! haha) said to the girl who was acting out as me:

"You're way too happy.... you're Steph."

Which made me laugh. But that's not saying much, because everything makes me laugh. But I get that a lot. We just our yearbooks this year (which aren't super awesome? ....) and I'm collecting signatures and I've already got a couple saying things like "You're the happiest person I know" "You bright up my life" "Be my wife" haha joking I'm just making those up. But I have got some really nice signatures. and people do tell me I'm a happy person. And, I am.

That's what I was saying earlier. When I said (last post) I have everything I've ever wanted. Because I'm happy. And I think that if you're happy, you're set.

I get sad. I get lonely. But I'm still happy. I know we don't live in a perfect world and I know I haven't finished what I was put here on this planet to do, but even when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I always smile. I laugh every day.

The other day I told somebody that I have everything I've ever wanted. He looked at me like I was a little bit crazy, and told me you can only spend so much time in your head before you start missing out on real life.

Which is true, I suppose. And I know that I've said several somethings that sound a lot like that. Musing is good, but only if followed by action, and other what nots of such sort.

When I think, I get nothing done.

What Does Anyone Do?

Sleeping too much makes me sleepy.

On Backing Decisions

Who knew France would awaken the blogger in me? lol 3 times in one month? That's gotta be some sort of record. I've mentioned the fact that I'm not very good at making decisions. I don't know where I want to eat dinner, and I have no clue what movie I want to watch. If you ask... well I wouldn't even bother asking because I probably won't have an answer. But when I do make a decision, I don't change my mind. In January I decided I would stop eating meat, so now I don't. When I make a decision, I don't usually back it because it comes on so suddenly I just have to accept the fact that I've just made a decision, and now the decision has been made. I could probably come to a decision, if I really tried hard and made pros and cons lists and lost sleep because I was thinking about it. But that doesn't really work. Decisions just randomly are thrown at me and I don't question them. I'll probably come home one day with a map of the world tattooed on my back because I decided over lunch that it would be a good idea. Maybe "decision" isn't the right word? When I haven't decided on something that needs to be decided I get a little hazy and block everything out because I'm undecided. Day to day decisions don't really... hmm.. affect me? It's not that they don't matter, it's just that I'm happy no matter what the decision is. I can go with the flow cause in the end all the rivers end up in the lake. hahahah just. kidding. lol Maybe it's like on old post, the one about being reasonable? I don't need to back my decisions all the time because sometimes I just know. I have a really good sense of knowing. I'm really sure about the things I'm sure about, and everything else just sort of floats around my head. I spend so much energy in being sure that I don't have much left to spend re-assuring. Meaning I avoid making decisions, but accept and stick to the ones my subconscious mind decides for me. I think a lot of people think this whole thought musing thing is useless bull shit. But I don't. I think it's important to explore the way you function, because then you'll start to understand the way you work. I wonder sometimes if I'm really predictable, or completely impossible to keep pace with. Some people like to take apart a microwave or a calculator so they understand how all the parts fit together to function. I like to pick apart people (ew no not literally) and explore their brain and see how their head works toward function. Is that any less useful than exploring a microwave? No. It's not. So for all you people who think brains don't matter and it's all about microwaves, you're wrong. It's about the balance between the brains and the microwaves that create the function we call life. Nothing is bullshit. (besides overhead notes) And nothing matters either. Nothing means anything, and therefore everything is nothing and in nothing, everyone will find their everything. :) Get what I'm getting at? Life is not just something you live. Life is something you were given, and you can turn it into whatever you want it to be. Life is what you make it, in a very literal sense. You make your life. You choose to pick apart brains or microwaves or both. You choose what you like, what you do, and who you love. Life is yours and no one elses and nobody can tell you what matters to you, because only you know what matters. And we're all made up of matter. And 'matter' is something that is made-up. You don't control what you're made up of and. Okay. I can see where this could get confusing. Because I just said "you choose" and followed it with "you can't control". haha The first you, the you who chooses, is your physical you, the really you that goes grocery shopping and walks the dog. The other you, the one you can't control, or at least I can't control, is the brain you. haha So, you control everything, you have control over nothing, nothing matters and we are made-up of everything. You love who you love, and you can find meaning in nothing because everything is matter. And if you can accept the fact that nothing ever makes "sense" then you can get away with not backing your decisions and being truly and honestly happy with life and the way you live and choose and at the same time don't control it. Life Lesson today is to smile and nod and pretend you understood what I just said. Steph out :)

Words.Words.Words

I love words. Bo Burnham is cool too. haha. But really, words are my favourite. I like reading them, I like writing them, and I like hearing them. But they don't mean anything. Words are just reinforcements or contradictions of actions. Sha la la la la la my oh my! Look's like the boy's too shy, he ain't gunna kiss the girl. sha la la la la la ain't that said? It's such a shame, too bad. He's gunna miss the girl haha like how I kept the sha la la's in there? Don't think about kissing her, don't tell her you want to kiss her, just: kiss her. I came to this realization during French class this morning. In France, I stare. All the time. I stare at my teachers while they talk, I stare at the 7000 illegal smokers outside (haha I don't actually know if it's illegal here...) I stare ay my french relatives and I stare at my classmates. I'm not ashamed to stare, because I want to understand. This morning I was staring at my French teacher and she was talking and talking and spitting and spitting because she is a human sprinkler when she speaks and I was staring and staring and cowering under my umbrella when I realized I had no idea what she was talking about. Not a clue! Maybe because she was speaking french, but then I thought about how the situation would change if she was speaking english. I didn't think it would change much. WOO VALENTINA JUST GAVE ME A TIC TAC! YES! She is my favourite. Anyways. It doesn't matter if this teacher at which whom I was staring at (who was yelling now) was speaking French, English, or Ojibwe. I didn't care what she was saying, and none of the words she spoke were impacting my life at all. If I understood, and was listening, at best her lecture could have sparked a thought. But unless I took the time to think that thought, and make it into an action, this two hour class would be just one among others spent wandering in words. You're not going to be remembered for your thoughts, you're going to be remembered for what you do. It doesn't matter if you can talk, it doesn't matter if you can think. If you can't take action, you're just another crayon in the box. We all could be metallic, a sparkly crayon in the box. We could all make a difference and make a change and change a life, but we need to learn to get out of our own heads. I have a lot of time to think here in France. I'm in my head all the time and sometimes a whole school day goes by and all I have to show for it is an empty page with a corner full of monster doodles. I like to think, but... as someone once told me: "analytical minds are destructive". It's the sad and scary truth. When you think, like I do sometimes, you strip down every situation until there isn't anything left but thought, which is useless without the other half of the equation. the equation: thought+action=outcome Without action, there is no outcome and therefore you are left with just thought, which means nothing. When all you do is think, you're whole being is absorbed into your head and you mosey around everyday life and maybe forget things like eating and sleeping, but you don't notice because you're so far gone inside yourself you don't even speak. It is for that reason I agree with the statement: analytical minds are destructive. Because eventually if you let your head absorb you, you'll be so far gone you won't be able to come back. Thinking is an addictive drug, but there's no rehab for thought abusers, so you have to look out for yourself. Next. Bored. "I'm bored." This is boring. You don't really ever have an excuse to be bored. There is always something to do. If you think you're starting to feel bored, do something. Go somewhere, look at something. Everyday we get a little closer to the end. Every second that passes is gone, and we're only given so much life time. So do what you want and don't waste time doubting. Don't waste time thinking. You catch the ball, and you throw it, you don't wait for the other team to surround you. Take what you get and work what you have. Don't be scared to start something because you're afraid of how it will finish. If you start by thinking about the end, well... why even start something you can only think about ending? I don't mean finish like complete, I think we should make a concious effort to finish what we start, I mean finish like... terminate. Alrighty roo. I hate yelling. Teachers here like like it makes us listen. Yelling makes me block things out even more. Never yell at me. I'll attack you. They teach us to box in France. HA. I wish. sigh. I actually wrote this during French class. I'm writing right now and I'm going to type it up later. It'll be the first time in a while I'll post twice in the same month. Life Lesson: If a Canadian asks to throw eggs at you while you (also a Canadian) are in France because it's tradtion on your birthday, don't say okay. I had to shake my head today because some people are really stupid. Don't worry, it wasn't me who got pelted, but that poor girl who thought it was all in fun... well maybe ignorance is bliss. No, I don't think so. I think there's middle ground somewhere between "ignorant bliss" and thought rehab. Life lesson today is to try and find it. Steph out :)

If You Ask Me to Write Then I Will

When someone asks me to write, I have to. That's probably the one of the things I get most excited about. When people ask me to sing, I usually won't. If someone asked me to show them a dance, I might. But when someone asks me to write for them, I just do it. So, it was super cool Levan when you said I'd been depriving you of Passion Fire. :) So here I am, writing.

I like accidents. I think that we find the best things when we aren't really looking. If life was a google search, we always find cool things by being vague in our discription. You don't search hedgehog, you just happen to find one as the last entry in the pet ads. You find that boy who used to smile at you in the halls by looking through someone's facebook pictures who you went to elementary school with. haha. I like accidents, because you can't fake fate. :)

Read this:

"Those who can, do; those who can't: teach; those who can't teach teach the teachers; and those who can't teach the teachers go into politics."

As for me, I think that his sentence is a bona fide profound thought, precisely because it isn't true, or at least not entirely true. It doesn't mean what you think it does at the outset. If people could climb higher in the social hierarchy in proportion to their incompetence, I guarantee the world would not go round the way it does. But that's not even the problem. What his sentence means isn't that incompetent people have found their place in the sun, but that nothing is harder or more unfair than human reality: humans live in a world where it's words and not deeds that have power, where the ultimate skill is mastery of language. This is a terrible thing because basically we are primates who've been programmed to eat, sleep, reproduce, conquer and make our territory safe, and the ones who are most gifted at that, the most animal types among us, always get screwed by the others, the fine talkers, despite these latter being incapable of defending their own garden or bringing a rabbit home for dinner or procreating properly. Humans live in a world where the weak are dominant. This is a terrible insult to our animal natue, a sort of perversion or a deep contradiction.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog
Muriel Barbery

Yeah so this book is kind of incredible. It's the kind of book I want to write. Philosophical musing. It blows my mind. It's like trying to swallow cinnamon. You can only read/ swallow a little bit at a time.

So, I'm in France now. It's summer time. Well for the past week it was hurricane weather, but now it's do-your-history-homework-outside-in-your-bathing-suit sort of weather. I get distracted really easily. The problem with doing an e-learing course is that it's e. Meaning, you have to be on the internet. Meaning there are endless oppertunities for your mind to wander. I think I have a mind who likes to wander. Wandering is okay, but focus is good too. If there was something I wish I had more of, it's focus. I'm amused very easily, but it's hard to keep my attention for long periods of time. But I'm a really good listener. I love to listen.

Life Lessons
Patience is a virtue. haha Just kidding. But I think that patience is important. Being in France and having to speak French and having to learn to communicate with minimal language skills and having to usually be clueless 75% percent of the time has made me very patient. And it's nice. Being patient makes you nicer, and it gives to you time to notice a lot of things you don't notice when you rush and rush and rush. Being patient allows you to appreciate. Don't be afraid of waiting, but don't waste all your waiting in wandering. Learn how to be a focussed waiter, and your mind will explode with reward. Frustration is such a useless emotion. People who can't be patient end up being frustrated.

I break everything, really. I don't know how I manage to. I bought a ring, broke it. Bought some french pants equipped with suspenders (haha) and I broke the suspenders. I think I get lost in thought and I'm not very conscience of my actual physical being. I turn knobs on microscopes absentmidedly until the knobs fall off (woops). I fiddle with paper and end up with a pile of confetti. It's very strange.

There was a bee on my bed the other day and it stung me. Now there is what Iris, my exchange partner, called a "night butterfly" in my room. Okay, no. This thing is like a massive moth equipped with spikes and fangs and vemon. It flies around and bumps into things and is very noisy. There is nothing calm or pretty or butterfly-ish about it. Maybe that's why it's a night butterfly? It's like the butterfly's alter-ego? haha

I really don't like bugs.

My french grandparents are coming over to drink tea and eat cake now. So, I should go join. :)

Learn how to be focussed and patient, you'll get more things done. Also read a book and maybe do a little bit of philosophical musing every once and a while. Even if analytical minds are destructive, if we never analyzed, we'd never move forward.

ta ta for now :)
happiness is the best emotion. and laughter fixes everything duct tape can't.

23 Contradictions and Two Facts

I wonder frequently if people have patterns. If you like this, you'll like that. You know? I'm just here to tell you: they don't. And it's awesome. It makes everything so much more exciting. I don't like to guess, I like to know. That's why I look for patterns. I don't really like surprises either. But they are probably better for me, anticipation is a killer.

I love flowers. But I hate bouquets. I hate them. They are so ugly. Okay, not all of them. I like little bouquets. Cute ones, where the colours go all nice. But huge arrangements of floral disaster make me want fold clothes for a living. But I love flowers.

I am scared of bugs. They make me shiver.

I love playing in the rain. I love it. I'm terrified of thunder. If I saw a bug in a thunder storm I might die. lol Kidding, but you get it.

I love to swim. But deep water freaks me out, a lot.

I can only sleep when it's pitch black. It doesn't really get dark in my room here in France so I have to sleep with one of those beautiful sleeping masks. I got mine off the airplane. lol Yet strangely enough: I'm terrified of the dark.

See where I'm going? If you see any pattern, let me know. I'm interested. I could continue for a long time. I'm not going to list forever though. I cut my lip today. I'm not even going to tell you what happend because it was so weird. lol It bled for a long time.

Anyways. I like patterns. I like figuring people out. But patterns are hard to find. Over time you put the pieces of your puzzle together, and by the end, once you have enough pieces, you see the picture. The pattern makes sense, even though every peice on it's own didn't mean much.

But don't throw away the pieces, because then you'll never finish the puzzle. And without a finished puzzle, you don't know someone. So keep the pieces, finish the puzzle, and understand someone. :)

That's all? I'm avoiding doing my homework right now....

I feel like I didn't really say anything. Let me try again.

Life Lesson For Today

People are complicated. You don't usually ask a person their favourite movie and after they answer you know their favourite colour smartie and shoe size. It doesn't work like that. Every day you're with someone, or you talk to someone, or you skype someone, haha, you learn something. Every single time. I promise. It's your job to remember what you learn. Once you start remembering, things start to make sense. Once you remember, you can predict. But you never know. Relying on remembering doesn't work. There's a lot of guessing involved no matter what. And that's what makes people so fun. It's not knowing exactly what they are going to say to you tomorrow over breakfast that makes you want to eat breakfast tomorrow. It's about growing together over time. Getting to know someone isn't about making them follow a program in your head. They don't do some things and hate others. It's about experimenting, and learning, and making memories.

So, get to know someone. Don't judge them, or categorize them and place them into a file in your brain. Find out if they like sand but hate deserts. Because underneath all the facts and contradictions there is a person. And that person is great, promise.

Wallow Wallow, Alone and in Love

You know I really don't know if the six people who follow this even read what I post. It doesn't really matter. One day when I'm famous people will beg to read the blog I kept during highschool. haha is doesn't really not a word? My computer is trying to tell me that it isn't. haha, this isn't my computer actually. It is someone's netbook. I'm in the Sheraton Center in Toronto right now. In the lobby, by myself. Hooray. I clearly know how to have a good time on a friday night. Am I looking for pity? Maybe. Wanna come keep me company? You can.

Anywho... oh my god. Have you ever seen 10 Things I Hate About You? ahh melt. Heath Ledger is a God. Was God? sigh. The song he sings just came on... you're like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much.

Wallowing in self pity.

I'm down here for the Public Education Symposium, also attended Equity and Inclusive Education workshops or something. I'm supposed to be partying it up with the other Trustees, but alas alack the day, here I am.

Anyways, how's life? Besides sitting here in the lobby feeling sorry for myself? I leave for France in fourteen days. Fourteen. Can you believe that? I can't. I'm going to be gone for three whole months. wowza.

This hotel is massive to the max. Like, it is so so so so big.

Have you ever been in love?

Yeah, you. I'm talking to you mysterious random who came upon my blog my accident. Have you? I wanna know.

I'm in love. Just in case you wanted to know. Who ever you might be msyterious random. You know sometimes the internet drives me nuts. But I also love it, it's a nice venting spot. It's fun to announce things like "I'm in Love" while on the internet. Everyone tells me that the internet isn't safe. I don't disagree. I'd rather say "hey mister, I love you" but, since I'm talking to a netbook, I'll just stick with "I'm in love" for now. One day I'll say I love you. One day.

ramble ramble.

You can only wait for so long. And you can say that, but you still wait. You know? Some things are worth waiting for. When you wait, do you wonder about the stuff you miss out on? I don't really. I don't think you lose things by waiting for others. I guess you probably do.

I'm all alone in Toronto. haha I have my own room and everything. The first thing I did when I got here was climb on to the register in my room and stuck my face against the window and looked down to see how high I was. I love that. The window holds you up and you feel so free. Then I looked across the street and noticed I was right across from a business building. A nice man waved at me. I waved back.

Then I started jumping on the beds. Because I have a hotel room with two beds all to my lonesome and what else was I supposed to do? But the ceiling was really low so I cut my hand. ahahh scraping it against the scratchy ceiling. It bled. ahahh then I had to go to session with a bloody hand. Good times right?

I have fun.

Someone also asked me to run away with them, and another person told me they would let me use their netbook if I fixed their ironing board. (see top when I mention that I'm on a netbook, can you put the pieces together?)

It's 11pm at the moment. Or, 11ish anyways.

Sometimes I think I need too much. But other times I don't. Sometimes I wish I could just type huge long messaages to people telling them everything, sometimes I do write them.

uh oh, a trustee is coming to fetch me to make me dance. I will return.

Hey mister, I love you.